I Guess This Has Been Bothering Me

Today was a long day and it’s been a long week but now it feels like the week just flew by. I’ve yet to finish packing and I’ve yet to come to terms with the idea of leaving. I said goodbye to my mom last night since she left for Minnesota this morning. I cried a lot. My face was terrifying when I got up to wash my face. I’m really going to miss her.

Two days and counting. The time is coming and I’m going to have to let go of my home. I feel good because I got a job so I feel secure with that for right now. I’m nervous, though, about being away from home, despite my security in that.

I’m most afraid of my roommates. I’m afraid they aren’t going to like me. I realized the other day that it’s been awhile since I’ve cared if new people are going to like me. That realization led to another realization: that you know you’ve changed when the things that used to bring you down are starting to knock you down. I have to be very aware of my emotions because if I’m not careful, I’ll go back down that road I struggled for two years to get off of and I definitely don’t want that.

I guess this has been bothering me more now because I have to live with these girls for a year. I’m just nervous that we aren’t going to get along. Both of them are super skinny and super gorgeous. I’m neither of those things, especially not skinny. They also seem like total girly girls so I’m nervous about that too. I’m not going to be one of those girls that tries to be boyish on purpose and talk about it. That’s just desperate. But I’m not girly, and I’m not a boy either. I have to find some middle ground.

Speaking of which, I just decided to forgive Poopie and Poop. Yesterday, I was chatting with both and I realized that I’ve missed them, despite their stupidity. Ha, that’s kind of mean. I should take some blame, too, since I never confronted them nor did I confront myself. Anyway, they don’t know about me being mad at them, thus they don’t know that I’ve forgiven them. I feel like a load was lifted because I forgave them and I’ve let go of what it is that bothers me most about them. I don’t expect to be seeing them much while I’m at school so I won’t have to face them too much, but I won’t have to resent them anymore.

Being mad at people and holding grudges against them is exhausting. Don’t do it.