Ponderosa Lodge

Ponderosa Lodge.

This place is incredible. For years and years, the people at Mount Hermon work together to create a nurturing and diverse Christian community for students and adults alike to come together and dive into the Word of God and His presence. It’s because of Mount Hermon programs that I am the believer that I am today.

Christianity has been defined as many things. Some say hypocrites. Some say extremists. Some say goodie-two shoes. For me, Christianity has been defined as a relationship with the Creator of the universe and the God that “the waves and wind obey,” not a religion with a list of rules and regulations that I have to follow in order to please a deity that may or may not punish me.

It is because of Mount Hermon programs, mostly Ponderosa Lodge, that I have developed this definition. I have learned in my eleven years attending Mount Hermon camps that God is not about making us do things or punishing us when we are wrong—which is quite often. God is loving while powerful. God is compassionate while jealous. God is giving while just. God is everything.

This past year, I attended my last program as a camper. Before last summer’s week at Pondy, I was sleepwalking. I’ve grown up in a Christian home and I’ve been taught all the lines and all the answers. I wasn’t really living as a true believer, but more so a nominal, typical “Christian.” I didn’t understand the gravity of decisions I’d made and thoughts I’d had and people I’d hung around.

Basically, I wasn’t living a godly life. I didn’t really accept all the things that God commanded and said. I didn’t understand that the Bible is the Truth and that is final. There’s nothing I can do about that. Before last summer, I was much more liberal and less in tune with the Holy Spirit. I didn’t read the Bible very often (in fact, I resented the Bible), nor did I pray (at all, almost). I watched things I shouldn’t have watched and read things I shouldn’t have. I indulged in the Devil’s delights more than I care to remember.

The Devil spoiled my thoughts and my feelings often and I didn’t turn to God in those times of need. I never actually rejected Him, but I certainly did not reach out to Him. I would look in the mirror and be so completely repulsed by the reflection. I would see pictures of me and be physically sick. I resorted to drastic, depressing (not to mention temporary) solutions that ended up drawing me even closer to the clutches of Satan.

All the while, I was attending church, leading worship for elementary- and high school-aged kids on Sundays and Wednesdays. I participated in church functions and invited people to youth group. I guess you could say I was a stereotypical Christian for a while, my hypocrisy and defiance was so insane, it’s scary just thinking about it.

Ponderosa Lodge—2010.

This place is life-changing. I came to camp last year expecting to be let down by people and not be included, which is exactly what happened. I had thoughts that people didn’t want me around and were annoyed by me. I let that get the better of me and it showed. People avoided me because I was completely shut off and unwilling to be moved. It wasn’t until Wednesday night, D.O.S. night (discipline of silence) that things turned around. After ten years of lying and crying, complaining and hating, God washed over me in one small motion, but a huge movement occurred within me.

A counselor, Elicia Turner, someone I didn’t even know, turned around and saw me sitting in the back of the theatre. She whispered something to the girl next to her and she came and sat next to me. She put her arm around me and just started praying. Out of nowhere, I felt the presence of something bright and full of love rather than the presence of self-hatred and despise. I was crying before I knew it and I was truly feeling the love of God and His Holy Spirit moving in the crowd and in me.

The next year was full of brighter days and happier times. I flushed out all the crap that was in my life—the TV shows and internet videos I watched that contained some sexual content, the books and thoughts that had similar characteristics. I stopped seeking out people that brought me down and stopped wishing I were dead. I began to pray so much more and found that God was paying attention the whole time, crying over the crap I put myself through. He was there, carrying me when I thought I was falling.

Youth group and Sunday mornings were completely different as well. My experience as a worship leader was greatly strengthened after that week. I took more interest in the songs I picked out and how we portrayed the meaning. Being a worship leader can be hard work, especially if you don’t believe in God, or at least, in my case, if you don’t sing for the right reasons. I became more concerned about how the kids, both young and old, were receiving the example I was setting, and about remembering that leading worship isn’t about the leader—it’s about the prayer, the story, the plea to God. It’s about God.

I know it sounds really poetic, but it’s all the truth. Before that night, when I couldn’t see what was in front of me, I flipped out. Now, when I don’t know what’s coming, I’ve learned to just close my eyes and face it straight on because I know God wouldn’t send harm my way. If harm were coming, I know God is standing between that force and me.

Ponderosa Lodge—2011.

This place is a reminder. Life has been different and the camp high everyone leaves with was with me the whole time. Even after a year, I was still on it. Of course, there were many bumps and detours that took some redirecting, but just because God was a more prominent part of my life didn’t mean life was going to be easier. It’s like taking a shower—just because you take one in the morning doesn’t mean you won’t get dirty during the day.

That’s a weird analogy.

Just last week, I was back and I was all the more excited about it. For the first time, I wasn’t worried about whether people would accept me. I wasn’t thinking that they didn’t want me around. I wasn’t having self-hating thoughts and condemning thoughts about others—God’s grace and love overflows within me, so I didn’t need the others to satisfy that hole.

Worship was totally different—it was heartfelt and it wasn’t just me singing along to some cool tunes and with some cute boys. It was about God and what He’s done for me. It was about the fact that my life was dead to the world and me. But because of Jesus’s sacrifice, God was able to bring me back and make me new. Every song was a story of how I’d been released from the clutches of dark feelings and dark thoughts. Every song was a plea to my heavenly father for His forgiveness and His love. I had no desire to beg for attention or show off at all. I just wanted what God wanted for me.

That was a cool feeling, too, because I was able to come to camp completely open and ready to do whatever God wanted for me. I conquered a few fears and learned about opportunities for me to work there. I discovered a new calling—I already knew I wanted to work there, but it wasn’t as strong a feeling as it was when I was there this week. I conquered the high ropes course, doing things I honestly don’t want to do again but am glad I did them once. I feel closer to God because of it.

Ponderosa Lodge.

This place is a haven. There’s nothing quite like being at Pondy. It’s a complete submerging into the presence of the Holy Spirit. It’s a place that offers so much time to be with God and grow in him with fellow Christians. It’s because of Pondy and the work that God does there that I am confident in my faith and sure of the truth.

This place is safe. My heart is secure in the Lord because of the people He surrounded me with there. Those people have helped me keep my camp high moving and getting better. I have to thank my counselor from last week, Kaela Hoch, for her grace and her love. Through that, I see God’s grace and God’s love. She has taught me many things. And to my cabin full of women after God’s own heart, thank you.

This place is moving with the Holy Spirit.

This place is home.