I Really Miss Home

My bad… I didn’t realize time had gone by so fast.

So to catch up… I really miss home. Thankfully, I have my best friend and one of my youth leaders from church coming to see me this weekend. I haven’t seen or heard from any of my old friends since I was home on Labor Day weekend and even then, I only saw Kim. I’m having trouble staying friends with my friends—they don’t talk to me… They don’t reach out to me. They don’t call me. I’m just sad and I’m really happy that someone IS coming out to see me. I wish it was Friday already…

I quit the most horrible job ever! Thank goodness! Hopefully, I’ll be getting this other job that is a great opportunity to explore my major a little bit more. It’s pretty much in the bag but I don’t want to assume everything. The employer basically said I was hired but she’ll confirm with me by the end of the week.

Anyways… Grandpa is still alive, but I’m not keeping my hopes up. I don’t really know what else to do. As far as I know, he’s the same since my mom left the other day. My mom! She hurt my feelings… We were Skyping and while I was bawling my eyes out because I wanted to go home, she was reading an email! Goodness gracious! That woman drives me nuts! Seriously? My mother ignored my tears to read an email. Heartbroken I tell you. That will NOT happen to my kids, I swear!

I’ve got to get to bed. I have an early class tomorrow :P goodnight

I Wish...

I really don’t understand a lot of things. I’m just really confused and I’m not sure how to respond to anything. I need someone to tell me what the best thing to do is… I used to think letting it all out would help. That backfired in high school—bad. So bad, that I refuse to let anything out unless someone really really persists on knowing, which never happens. I’m afraid to share with anyone what’s really going on for fear of rejection or fear of boring them.

Who wants to hear my problems? And what really sucks is that when I think I’ve found someone who does want to hear, I have so much bottled up that I overflow with depressing feelings and eventually, they think I’m a bore. What do I do after that? Keep it all bottled up again… I don’t know how to explain myself. I don’t feel like I have that one person that wants (actually WANTS) to know EVERYTHING and doesn’t mind sitting there for hours while I pour my heart out and be myself.

I don’t feel like I can be myself around people. It’s like they don’t like the kind of person I am underneath. Even after high school, people are like that. I don’t want that to happen. I’m really at a loss for words right now. I can’t figure out how to say what I want to say. This is pathetic! And frustrating!

Lord, what do I do? If you’re speaking, I can’t hear you. I wish I knew how to fix that. I wish I could just be with you always and not be so filled up with my frustration and responsibilities. I wish I could just sit in your presence all the time and listen to how you’ve worked in others’ lives and listen to what they’re saying to me. God just grant me wisdom to understand the difference between negative and positive. My senses are so clouded right now, I don’t know right from wrong. Help me out please.

Transitions

So I’m officially 18 years old which would have been more exciting if not for the fact that my mom called me and told me my grandpa had given up fighting his sickness. Hospice has come in to help his… “transition” more comfortable.

The last two days have been filled with tears and avoiding eye contact with the girls I live with. I’ve been working on homework and somehow, it was planned somewhere in the divine dimension that my homework would require reflection on the current situation. Bleh.

I’m angry about it because my mom gets to spend however long he has left with him. It’s expected that he has days left if not hours. I really want to speak to him, but I haven’t been able to get ahold of him. This is totally lame.

RRRRG.