I Wish...

I really don’t understand a lot of things. I’m just really confused and I’m not sure how to respond to anything. I need someone to tell me what the best thing to do is… I used to think letting it all out would help. That backfired in high school—bad. So bad, that I refuse to let anything out unless someone really really persists on knowing, which never happens. I’m afraid to share with anyone what’s really going on for fear of rejection or fear of boring them.

Who wants to hear my problems? And what really sucks is that when I think I’ve found someone who does want to hear, I have so much bottled up that I overflow with depressing feelings and eventually, they think I’m a bore. What do I do after that? Keep it all bottled up again… I don’t know how to explain myself. I don’t feel like I have that one person that wants (actually WANTS) to know EVERYTHING and doesn’t mind sitting there for hours while I pour my heart out and be myself.

I don’t feel like I can be myself around people. It’s like they don’t like the kind of person I am underneath. Even after high school, people are like that. I don’t want that to happen. I’m really at a loss for words right now. I can’t figure out how to say what I want to say. This is pathetic! And frustrating!

Lord, what do I do? If you’re speaking, I can’t hear you. I wish I knew how to fix that. I wish I could just be with you always and not be so filled up with my frustration and responsibilities. I wish I could just sit in your presence all the time and listen to how you’ve worked in others’ lives and listen to what they’re saying to me. God just grant me wisdom to understand the difference between negative and positive. My senses are so clouded right now, I don’t know right from wrong. Help me out please.