I Guess You Could Say...

I guess you could say I’m getting lazy. I need to post more often. I feel like I went from posting every day to every month. I’m so pooped and forgetful. I’ve heard those are symptoms of stress. What’s weird is I don’t feel stressed. I’m handling the work load fine and I’m getting sleep. Mostly.

I guess it’s coming from me bring so homesick. I am so homesick. I’m so homesick, I had to say it three times! I tell my mom all the time when we’re skyping and she always tells me I need to go tell someone so they can comfort me. I’m not sure why I don’t do that. I don’t want to tell anyone anything. It could be because I’m afraid they won’t take me seriously or they’ll hear me out and act like it never happened later. I don’t know what it is. I think I’m just really messed up.

Cause when I think about it, I get mad at them and nothing has even happened. I have a serious issue with this but I seriously don’t know how to explain it. Unfortunately, I am so self-aware that I don’t feel like I need to see professionals about anything. Oh my goodness, I can’t even explain it here! Wow. This is incredibly frustrating.

I’ll come back to that.

Mayday Parade’s new album is… a B. Yeah, that sounds about right. Their last full album was more like a C because that’s what I would give most mainstream songs. They all sound the same and the lyrics are manufactured. The first album and EP will definitely reign at the top with A’s. The new EP was between a B+ and an A-. Mostly because they did acoustic covers of their own songs and two new songs that were very creative in lyrics and music, a nice breath of fresh air from the average stuff on Anywhere But Here.

So I think my top three songs on the new self-titled (woo!) album would be Without The Bitter, The Sweet Ain’t As Sweet, A Shot Across the Bow, and No Heroes Allowed with I’d Rather Make Mistakes Than Nothing At All in a close fourth. In coming days, I’ll elaborate on each I suppose.

I started that new job I applied for. So far, it’s been good. A little confusing but definitely the right place for me. I’m very excited to get started on more projects.

Well this is goodnight. Because it’s late. Even for a Friday night.

Observation Mode

I have had a rough few nights for at least a week now. Aside from the night my friends were here, it’s been hard. Before I get to that, I’ll just say how amazing it was to see Namra and Kim. I love them both so much—and I really missed them. They brought with them that familiar touch of home. I miss Gilroy, too. Kim and Namra are so Gilroy-ish that it just makes me smile. And it was wonderful having those familiar arms around me, invested in me.

But the other nights have been nights where I cry myself to sleep, wishing I could go home. I haven’t been home in almost two months and I just need to be with my family and back at my church. I haven’t found another church to call home and I think part of the reason is because I want to be at my church. That’s not gonna happen though…

I regret telling my mom that I was resisting cutting again. She didn’t react nicely. She didn’t get mad at me either, but she didn’t help me. I said that it was taking everything in me not to do what I used to and she said, “You need to talk to somebody. That scares me.” I know she meant well, but in a delicate situation like that, the best thing to do is just to be quiet and listen. I got mad when she started saying things like, “Say you’ll go talk to someone,” or “Smile for me,” and crap. That just inflamed my irritation. It doesn’t make things any better.

I feel a little better now. I got to see this boy today that I’ve got my eye on. He’s super tall! And he’s big—not wide but he’s a football player so he’s got lots of muscle and body. If I imagined us as a couple, I could see him being a good match for me size-wise. I’m big myself, unfortunately, but when I’m next to him, I don’t feel like I’m going to swallow him up. He’s the perfect size :) and he’s really nice. He’s a good man of God and I get the idea that he could help me with my path to God. Of course, that goes both ways, too, and I would be there for him in that way as well.

I’m not at the stage where I’m completely, emotionally invested in the guy. I’m choosing to not get to that point unless something happens between us first. I’m in observation mode right now. I’m good right here.

OMG! Mayday Parade’s new album comes out tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! I pre-ordered the album yesterday so I should get it tonight! If not, oh well, I’ll get it tomorrow. I wanted to buy this big package that I saved for and when I went to purchase it, they were out of stock :( I actually cried.

Wow. That’s pathetic :P I love Mayday Parade. They are amazing!