Observation Mode

I have had a rough few nights for at least a week now. Aside from the night my friends were here, it’s been hard. Before I get to that, I’ll just say how amazing it was to see Namra and Kim. I love them both so much—and I really missed them. They brought with them that familiar touch of home. I miss Gilroy, too. Kim and Namra are so Gilroy-ish that it just makes me smile. And it was wonderful having those familiar arms around me, invested in me.

But the other nights have been nights where I cry myself to sleep, wishing I could go home. I haven’t been home in almost two months and I just need to be with my family and back at my church. I haven’t found another church to call home and I think part of the reason is because I want to be at my church. That’s not gonna happen though…

I regret telling my mom that I was resisting cutting again. She didn’t react nicely. She didn’t get mad at me either, but she didn’t help me. I said that it was taking everything in me not to do what I used to and she said, “You need to talk to somebody. That scares me.” I know she meant well, but in a delicate situation like that, the best thing to do is just to be quiet and listen. I got mad when she started saying things like, “Say you’ll go talk to someone,” or “Smile for me,” and crap. That just inflamed my irritation. It doesn’t make things any better.

I feel a little better now. I got to see this boy today that I’ve got my eye on. He’s super tall! And he’s big—not wide but he’s a football player so he’s got lots of muscle and body. If I imagined us as a couple, I could see him being a good match for me size-wise. I’m big myself, unfortunately, but when I’m next to him, I don’t feel like I’m going to swallow him up. He’s the perfect size :) and he’s really nice. He’s a good man of God and I get the idea that he could help me with my path to God. Of course, that goes both ways, too, and I would be there for him in that way as well.

I’m not at the stage where I’m completely, emotionally invested in the guy. I’m choosing to not get to that point unless something happens between us first. I’m in observation mode right now. I’m good right here.

OMG! Mayday Parade’s new album comes out tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! I pre-ordered the album yesterday so I should get it tonight! If not, oh well, I’ll get it tomorrow. I wanted to buy this big package that I saved for and when I went to purchase it, they were out of stock :( I actually cried.

Wow. That’s pathetic :P I love Mayday Parade. They are amazing!