I Guess You Could Say...

I guess you could say I’m getting lazy. I need to post more often. I feel like I went from posting every day to every month. I’m so pooped and forgetful. I’ve heard those are symptoms of stress. What’s weird is I don’t feel stressed. I’m handling the work load fine and I’m getting sleep. Mostly.

I guess it’s coming from me bring so homesick. I am so homesick. I’m so homesick, I had to say it three times! I tell my mom all the time when we’re skyping and she always tells me I need to go tell someone so they can comfort me. I’m not sure why I don’t do that. I don’t want to tell anyone anything. It could be because I’m afraid they won’t take me seriously or they’ll hear me out and act like it never happened later. I don’t know what it is. I think I’m just really messed up.

Cause when I think about it, I get mad at them and nothing has even happened. I have a serious issue with this but I seriously don’t know how to explain it. Unfortunately, I am so self-aware that I don’t feel like I need to see professionals about anything. Oh my goodness, I can’t even explain it here! Wow. This is incredibly frustrating.

I’ll come back to that.

Mayday Parade’s new album is… a B. Yeah, that sounds about right. Their last full album was more like a C because that’s what I would give most mainstream songs. They all sound the same and the lyrics are manufactured. The first album and EP will definitely reign at the top with A’s. The new EP was between a B+ and an A-. Mostly because they did acoustic covers of their own songs and two new songs that were very creative in lyrics and music, a nice breath of fresh air from the average stuff on Anywhere But Here.

So I think my top three songs on the new self-titled (woo!) album would be Without The Bitter, The Sweet Ain’t As Sweet, A Shot Across the Bow, and No Heroes Allowed with I’d Rather Make Mistakes Than Nothing At All in a close fourth. In coming days, I’ll elaborate on each I suppose.

I started that new job I applied for. So far, it’s been good. A little confusing but definitely the right place for me. I’m very excited to get started on more projects.

Well this is goodnight. Because it’s late. Even for a Friday night.

Observation Mode

I have had a rough few nights for at least a week now. Aside from the night my friends were here, it’s been hard. Before I get to that, I’ll just say how amazing it was to see Namra and Kim. I love them both so much—and I really missed them. They brought with them that familiar touch of home. I miss Gilroy, too. Kim and Namra are so Gilroy-ish that it just makes me smile. And it was wonderful having those familiar arms around me, invested in me.

But the other nights have been nights where I cry myself to sleep, wishing I could go home. I haven’t been home in almost two months and I just need to be with my family and back at my church. I haven’t found another church to call home and I think part of the reason is because I want to be at my church. That’s not gonna happen though…

I regret telling my mom that I was resisting cutting again. She didn’t react nicely. She didn’t get mad at me either, but she didn’t help me. I said that it was taking everything in me not to do what I used to and she said, “You need to talk to somebody. That scares me.” I know she meant well, but in a delicate situation like that, the best thing to do is just to be quiet and listen. I got mad when she started saying things like, “Say you’ll go talk to someone,” or “Smile for me,” and crap. That just inflamed my irritation. It doesn’t make things any better.

I feel a little better now. I got to see this boy today that I’ve got my eye on. He’s super tall! And he’s big—not wide but he’s a football player so he’s got lots of muscle and body. If I imagined us as a couple, I could see him being a good match for me size-wise. I’m big myself, unfortunately, but when I’m next to him, I don’t feel like I’m going to swallow him up. He’s the perfect size :) and he’s really nice. He’s a good man of God and I get the idea that he could help me with my path to God. Of course, that goes both ways, too, and I would be there for him in that way as well.

I’m not at the stage where I’m completely, emotionally invested in the guy. I’m choosing to not get to that point unless something happens between us first. I’m in observation mode right now. I’m good right here.

OMG! Mayday Parade’s new album comes out tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! I pre-ordered the album yesterday so I should get it tonight! If not, oh well, I’ll get it tomorrow. I wanted to buy this big package that I saved for and when I went to purchase it, they were out of stock :( I actually cried.

Wow. That’s pathetic :P I love Mayday Parade. They are amazing!

I Really Miss Home

My bad… I didn’t realize time had gone by so fast.

So to catch up… I really miss home. Thankfully, I have my best friend and one of my youth leaders from church coming to see me this weekend. I haven’t seen or heard from any of my old friends since I was home on Labor Day weekend and even then, I only saw Kim. I’m having trouble staying friends with my friends—they don’t talk to me… They don’t reach out to me. They don’t call me. I’m just sad and I’m really happy that someone IS coming out to see me. I wish it was Friday already…

I quit the most horrible job ever! Thank goodness! Hopefully, I’ll be getting this other job that is a great opportunity to explore my major a little bit more. It’s pretty much in the bag but I don’t want to assume everything. The employer basically said I was hired but she’ll confirm with me by the end of the week.

Anyways… Grandpa is still alive, but I’m not keeping my hopes up. I don’t really know what else to do. As far as I know, he’s the same since my mom left the other day. My mom! She hurt my feelings… We were Skyping and while I was bawling my eyes out because I wanted to go home, she was reading an email! Goodness gracious! That woman drives me nuts! Seriously? My mother ignored my tears to read an email. Heartbroken I tell you. That will NOT happen to my kids, I swear!

I’ve got to get to bed. I have an early class tomorrow :P goodnight

I Wish...

I really don’t understand a lot of things. I’m just really confused and I’m not sure how to respond to anything. I need someone to tell me what the best thing to do is… I used to think letting it all out would help. That backfired in high school—bad. So bad, that I refuse to let anything out unless someone really really persists on knowing, which never happens. I’m afraid to share with anyone what’s really going on for fear of rejection or fear of boring them.

Who wants to hear my problems? And what really sucks is that when I think I’ve found someone who does want to hear, I have so much bottled up that I overflow with depressing feelings and eventually, they think I’m a bore. What do I do after that? Keep it all bottled up again… I don’t know how to explain myself. I don’t feel like I have that one person that wants (actually WANTS) to know EVERYTHING and doesn’t mind sitting there for hours while I pour my heart out and be myself.

I don’t feel like I can be myself around people. It’s like they don’t like the kind of person I am underneath. Even after high school, people are like that. I don’t want that to happen. I’m really at a loss for words right now. I can’t figure out how to say what I want to say. This is pathetic! And frustrating!

Lord, what do I do? If you’re speaking, I can’t hear you. I wish I knew how to fix that. I wish I could just be with you always and not be so filled up with my frustration and responsibilities. I wish I could just sit in your presence all the time and listen to how you’ve worked in others’ lives and listen to what they’re saying to me. God just grant me wisdom to understand the difference between negative and positive. My senses are so clouded right now, I don’t know right from wrong. Help me out please.

Transitions

So I’m officially 18 years old which would have been more exciting if not for the fact that my mom called me and told me my grandpa had given up fighting his sickness. Hospice has come in to help his… “transition” more comfortable.

The last two days have been filled with tears and avoiding eye contact with the girls I live with. I’ve been working on homework and somehow, it was planned somewhere in the divine dimension that my homework would require reflection on the current situation. Bleh.

I’m angry about it because my mom gets to spend however long he has left with him. It’s expected that he has days left if not hours. I really want to speak to him, but I haven’t been able to get ahold of him. This is totally lame.

RRRRG.

First Day of School!

Okay, so college is going sort of well. I definitely don’t like my roommates very much, especially (for the sake of anonymity) Stinky. It’s not because she’s mean or rude, it’s just cause both of them are Hispanic so I’m completely outnumbered and they have conversations in Spanish and they hang out with other people. I’m not included. To be honest, I don’t want them to try to include me because they wouldn’t talk to me anyway. They’re just not going to be friends with me. Oh well.

First day of school! First day of school! I’ve only had one so far and it wasn’t even on my schedule. I’m trying to add it this semester so that I won’t have to take it next semester. It’s so confusing—we’re supposed to get our classes “approved” by an advisor but I get the feeling, even considering I’m way ahead in my program and very experienced at the college level, my advisor doesn’t think I can handle what I know I can handle. Bleh. Who knows if she’ll “let” me?

And my JCC teacher looks like Mr. Schuster from Glee!!!! How awesome is that!? He’s very cute and he’s very married. He’s fun too; he makes us all laugh probably because we’re part of the same generation time period. If that makes any sense.

I got another job, too! So exciting. I feel really secure with money—well, I will once I get paid. I have 18.5 hours a week which means…like $132 a week which means $528 a month! Wooooo!!! Thank you God!!

All Moved In

I’m all moved in and have been super busy with all the orientation stuff. Well, new-student orientation hasn’t even started yet. I’ve had president’s scholars orientation since I got here.

The first thing we did was go to Hume Lake. I’d never been before so I’m sad to say that I did not enjoy it very much. I felt uncomfortable and awkward since I knew NO ONE and I didn’t know where anything was. The campus is huge, mind you.

The best part about that whole weekend was the lake. That lake was amazing. I actually went kayaking for the first time up there and it was the most incredible experience I’ve ever had. I definitely plan to go back soon and kayak some more. I think going back, I’ll have a different attitude since this time I wasn’t very focused on God. I think being so self-conscious and quiet totally drew me away from God.

Honestly, when I think about it, if I continued to ignore God even in the midst of his most amazing ideas, it’s an empty life. Like, literally, there was nothing I looked forward to and no one I wanted to talk to. That isn’t God, and I know it.

Anyways, we toured Fresno Tuesday and Wednesday. It was incredible. I’d never been so heartbroken in my life. I saw hundreds and hundreds of tents—not even… they were ripped and half built—on the sides of roads as well as whole families of up to ten living in little garden sheds. How?

We visited the community food bank and experienced a simulation of being in a situation when you don’t have enough money to feed a family. That was eye opening and almost anger-instilling to learn that the government turns away people in need. My group’s family was surviving on $3 a day for food for two people. The “government” (the simulation) denied us food stamps and said that our income was too high. While I know it wasn’t the lady running the workshop’s fault, it made me realize that the government actually does that.

We also had a service project, which was also very awesome. We went to a local park, Holmes Park, and cleaned it up as completely as we could. We wiped off almost all the graffiti from the signs, the playground, the amphitheater, the courts— you name it. We picked up all the litter and removed all the excess greenery that was more brown.

I met five wonderful young children. The oldest’s name was Adrian and after him came Adriana, Francisco, Ariseli, and Adolfo. I think there was even one more but he was an infant and Adolfo was 2. Both Arian and Francisco came right up to me, one 9 the other 7, and asked me what I was doing and why I was doing it. I tried my best to explain that there are people in this world that don’t understand the importance of these parks for little tykes like themselves.

They both told me they thought it was horrible that people came in here and wrote bad things everywhere. Francisco told me that whoever wrote those things definitely wasn’t getting presents from Santa Claus. They all worked hard along side the 30 or so of us and I was so proud of them. We did a great job.

And the last day and a half, I’ve been doing nothing. We’ve had the last 36 hours off which have been such a nice break from all the traveling. I’ve painted several nails and hung out with different people a few times. I watched Pride and Prejudice for the first time and I didn’t understand almost a single word. I’ll need to rewatch it with subtitles.

The roommates are coming back tomorrow. I’ll have to explain that some other time. It’s late and I’m tired.