Grandpa Said Some Bad Words

We made it safe and sound to Durango, Colorado, and it so far has been awesome. We did our normal thing—we went to Schoolhouse Pizza for dinner and the usual happened… we waited almost 2 hours for our pizzas to be done. For some reason, that seemed to be a bit odd, but whatever… it was great!

So the long journey started in Anaheim yesterday. And since then, the winds have been attacking us left to right, right to left, front to back, back to front… Jeeze!! It was terrible! Driving was a hassle, especially since we had all of our luggage on the top of the van. And today, when we were going through the Navajo Nation, dust was EVERYWHERE…

Everywhere, I tell you.

It was almost like driving through fog, but it was dust and dirt. The wind nearly knocked me over when we stopped for lunch today at Burger King. The funniest thing happened! There was a random donkey in front of the restaurant! Haha! :) And out of nowhere, a huge bus of Italian tourists pulls up and they start yelling and laughing and yelling some more—just the way I like them. Lol :)

I’m proud of our van :) she made it all the way up the mountain. She’s been good to us. And now we’re home sweet home away from home with my grandparents. I was especially excited to see my grandparents because it’s been awhile and I was surprised to find out that we were opening presents tonight. That was really cool because all but two were for me. While we called it celebrating Christmas in July, it was more of a graduation gift—a lot of graduation gifts.

And the best one of all was the one that my grandpa had for me especially from him. Eleven years ago, I spent a long amount of time with my grandparents and we were joined up by what my grandpa calls the child from hell: Samantha. Apparently, on the way home, she was making my grandpa mad and he said something bad. So I wrote him a note that said this:

Our Jurny
Our jurny has been good
But grandpa said some bad words

And I gave him the crumpled up paper that had these words and asked him to throw it away. But he didn’t :P he kept it all these years and he had it framed for me and he gave it to me today. He had tears in his eyes before I even opened it and he made me cry, too. I read it and had to laugh but I couldn’t because I was crying and we were hugging and I was crying… Did I say I was crying?

Anyways, it was emotional and my grandpa kept telling me he can’t wait to see me grow and he can’t wait to see what happens next and he can’t wait to watch me grow up… And the whole time, I was thinking about how he’s really sick and how he probably won’t get to see any of that… And that makes me extra sad… That’s what really made me cry. I would never tell him that, though.

I love you, Grandpa! Very much.

On The Road Again :)

My feet are soooooooo sore. My legs hurt and my feet hurt and everything else hurts—plus I’ve gained a bit of a rash that is in the most horrible place ever! Haha… Let’s just say walking is not fun right now.

We are leaving Disneyland now… Sadface! We spent one day here and covered more than we ever have in three days. We did both parks yesterday and, I swear, we are tired… And we didn’t even wake up that early yesterday. We went to Disneyland at like… 10am and around noon we went to California Adventure and got reeeeeally wet and reeeeeally excited after the river raft ride and California screamin’. We had lunch around 1pm and then we went back to California Adventure for a few hours and then we went swimming at the hotel and then we went to dinner. We went back to California Adventure until 11pm and then the boys, my dad, and I went back to Disneyland to ride Splash Mountain with little or no wait. And we nearly died on the way back to the hotel around 12:30 in the morning.

It was a long day.

But it was totally worth it. We had a ton of fun and we didn’t get upset with each other until around 10pm. And even then, there wasn’t a lot of bickering or anything. It was very fun and very rewarding.

And Ellen never showed up :(

And now we’re on the road again… Heading towards Flagstaff, Arizona. Seems like we won’t get there until 6pm and right now, it’s 10:30am. We got a long drive ahead of us. Goodbye sunny, warm Anaheim and hello hellish Mojave Desert. It’s good thing we aren’t going to Laughlin this time. That place is so horrible… it was 120 degrees at 6 in the morning last time. Nu uh… no more! I reeeeally hope Flagstaff isn’t worse. I hope it’s better.

My brothers should be starting on their summer assignments pretty soon. For that part of the trip, I will be bored because they like it quiet and I don’t. Hopefully it’ll pass by soon and I’ll have something to do.

It feels like we were planning this trip months and months ago and now… BAM! It’s here and by the weekend—which is only two days away, it’ll be half over. Too bad Poop wasn’t here to see it. Sucks for her.

I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do after I’m done writing. Maybe jam on my ukulele :) or maybe read some devotionals. I could listen to music but that’s no fun when I can’t sing along. Looks like we’ve got a long ways to go so we’ll see what happens. I’ve had a long few days so hopefully, when we get to Durango, I’ll have some sleepin’ time :)

We’re coming, Grandpa!

The Happiest Place On Earth

Today has been filled with several naps… Okay, only two. But they were nice naps with rude awakenings. AJ, my brother, kicked me in the face to wake me up when we got to Disneyland and something fell on me so it was no fun. Then I was irritated because I was tired and people were telling me what to do and saying stupid things…

Note to future mate—don’t boss me around when I’m tired. It won’t be pretty.

Haha :P anyway, all is good because I am in Disneyland!!!! <3 maybe Ellen will be here this time. That would be SO cool!! Ellen!!!!! Please be at Disneyland tomorrow!

We got in around 3ish and we left Gilroy at 8:15. I told my dad we could be out of the house by 8am and he said it was impossible. We totally would have been out of the house by 7:45 if he hadn’t taken so long with his stuff—now we all know who the real beauty queen is in this family. The drive up until lunch was fine except for a lot of stupid drivers and this one mini van that kept getting in my way. I wanted to be going 75mph and apparently, so did they but they kept changing their speed several times and I’d have to take cruise control off and then turn it on and then turn it off… Ugh! The limit was 70mph so don’t freak out. Lol :P

Our room has a “premium view” of downtown Disney but to be honest, all I see is the side of the AMC theatre and the back of the ESPN zone. I can see a few big rides in the distance but it’s not that impressive. I don’t really know what the point of wanting a view is. It’s cool and all, I guess. This view isn’t worth the extra dollars, though.

We really should be in our villa at the Grand Californian Hotel and Spa ® lol… we are DVC members so whenever we come here, we get first pick of nice rooms with kitchens and bedrooms and laundry rooms. SO cool!!! :) but my dad waited too long to book rooms so we are in the Disneyland Hotel.

We’ll be going out to dinner tonight somewhere in the hotel and then we’ll probably see either Super 8 or Cars 2. The boys and my mom have already seen Super 8 and while I do want to see it, I reeeeeeeeallly want to see Cars 2. Joey thinks I’m an idiot for wanting Cars 2 and not Super 8. Well, I think he’s immature if he thinks his opinion is the only right one. One day he’ll learn to be nice to me.

Tomorrow is the day we spend in the park. I’m actually excited. I was here a few weeks ago for Disney Grad Nite and I didn’t really enjoy it. All the good stuff was closed and they treated all the students like animals… herding them in directions and patting us down every five minutes. It was terrible getting into the park and it was terrible when my friends (remember Poop and Poopie? One of them was there) decided to ditch me and a couple of other people. But I think it would have been worse if we stayed with the party poopers.

So I’m excited for some redemption! Disneyland is a lot more fun when you can enjoy it like a normal person and you aren’t dead tired at three o’clock in the morning when it’s about 60 degrees. I’m ready for Splash Mountain and Matterhorn and California Screamin’ woooo!!! <3

And then on Wednesday, we start the journey to Colorado. We’ll be stopping in Flagstaff, AR. I don’t think I’ve been there before—I mean, we pass through it every year but this year, it’s our half way marker. Should be fun.

For now, I’m going to chill in the nice, Air-conditioned room where it’s quiet and I could probably take another nap—without a rude awakening :P it would be lame to be in such a bad mood at the happiest place on earth :P

A Thousand More

So I’ve been playing around on myYearbook again. It’s kind of silly, I think. It’s unpredictable and not very secure. But I’m enjoying it because people are actually talking to me. Shocker! Just kidding.

Tomorrow, we leave for Colorado. Well, actually, we leave for Anaheim. We’ll be spending two nights in Anaheim and one day in Disneyland!!! <3 so excited! And then, we’ll be heading to Colorado.

This trip is going to be very hard. My grandpa has been sick for awhile now—in and out of treatments, diagnosed and then cured, diagnosed and then cured… it’s a recurring process. And it’s all led up to this: brain cancer. And my mom is not taking it well as it is. We do this Colorado trip every year and it’s always sad to leave but this time it’s going to be heart-breaking. We were told he may only have six to nine months to live. My grandpa is super stubborn and I know that people have beaten those kinds of odds before so right now, I’m not as worried about him as I am about my mom. She’s not in a good place with this. She will have a thousand more moments with him before he’s done here.

Anyways, I’m planning on writing some songs while I’m gone. Where they live, the scenery is just so amazing—it makes me so thankful for such a creative God. But it’ll be an inspiring time for me to write something. I need to really work on my songwriting skills. I want to be like Mayday Parade and Go Radio… Their lyrics are so amazing! You should check them out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZaK37dheCM (Jamie All Over—Mayday Parade)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wg7d-Tb1MJk (Goodnight Moon—Go Radio)

In fact! I’ve already been inspired. I was watching something… Or maybe I was reading something, but I already have a new song to work with. I’ve written the words and now I’m working on the guitar part. I’ve got a couple people helping me out. I’ll post the lyrics at the end of today’s entry.

I’ve been packing since I got home from church this morning. It’s taking longer than usual. It usually only takes me an hour at the most, I just don’t know what to bring. There isn’t much of a plan once we get there. I hope we do some stuff—my mom is convinced my grandpa isn’t going to want to do anything, but I would argue that he’d want to do as much as possible so that we don’t see him so weak.

Anyways… I don’t have as much to say today… So here’s the new song:

A Thousand More
One song, all I have to give but I swear a thousand more are at my fingertips
This thing we’ve got going on could last so long
We’d have to die a thousand times before anyone could say we were so young
We never learned to love

One thought, there isn’t much time but I swear a thousand more thoughts are running through my mind
You’d tell me all the things you’ve seen
We’d have to write a thousand stories before someone could say we were so young
We never learned how to love

One day, all we have right now but I swear
A thousand more to come when we know just what we want
And hear you me, I promise this
You’ll have my heart just the way you left it
And I’ll sing you every song I write
Every thought spilled on paper, a thousand more songs to keep us alive
We’ll sing so loud, they’ll say we’re so young
We never wanted anyone other than us

One song, one thought, one day—that’s all it’s gonna take
Because I just know that it’s you I want
They could give me a thousand more and none would be the same
None quite like you

Mysteries Unsolved

We went to the beach the other day and it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I love the beach very much. It’s the perfect place for jamming with friends and ukuleles. Because I love the beach, the earlier I can go the better and none of my friends want to get there as early as I do. However, they didn’t have a choice the other day because I was their ride.

Kim, my bestest buddy, couldn’t go so I was a little disappointed about that. But I figured things would be fine. I was already not really talking to two of the people that were in my car. They didn’t know it of course :P I’m cool like that… I don’t tell the people I’m mad at that I’m mad at them.

Anyway, so seeing them after two weeks didn’t make anything better. I tried so hard to not let my feelings of resentment show. I did a great job—I always do. Either I’m really good at acting or they are horrible observers. During the day, they did their normal thing. For now, I’m just going to call them Poop and Poopie :P

Poop is fun. Anyways…

Poop and Poopie are two peas in a pod. They are exactly alike in so many way which makes me wonder why they get along so well. Both of them are always taking advantage of me. They let me buy them things and they tell me they’re going to pay me back and they don’t… Honestly, I don’t want them to pay me back. What I want is for them to want to spend time with me. I guess you could say I feel like I have to buy people’s friendship.

It’s like this other relationship I thought I had. In any situation, I always feel like I have to work for people’s attention. I always have to initiate things. And if what I say isn’t interesting enough, no response will come. He’ll only answer me if it’s a question I need answered. I can’t just text him “hey” and be able to have a normal, friendly conversation. He has to give me ten billion hints that he’s not the least bit interested in me.

He thinks I want him so baaaadly but the truth is, I don’t. I’ll be honest—I did really like him, but I never wanted to start anything because I’ve had enough failing attempts to make romantic connections. If anything is meant to be between him and me, he’s gotta start it. I get that I’m not the most attractive person in the world. I’m not skinny—I don’t have a perfect complexion—I don’t know how to not say things randomly when I’m nervous—I don’t flirt—I don’t know how to talk basically when I’m in the midst of people that make me nervous.

This guy was so amazing. He was older than me <3 and he was tall, strong, big blue eyes and brown hair (just like Zac Efron!!!!!), and he held the same beliefs that I do. He loves Jesus and does his best to embody all that Jesus was and is. It’s inspiring.

He took me to my prom—I asked him since he was a couple years older than me and I was a senior in high school. Well, I guess that set him off. The first thing he said after he said yes was, “I just want to go as friends, okay?” He said it as if I were a child he was warning not to get attached to any toys in the toy store because daddy was not buying any. He thought it would be necessary to tell me that more than once in the next couple months and I thought I had done nothing to reveal myself.

Apparently not.

Bottom line—I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to be near him. I don’t want tot talk about him. I don’t want to be involved with him whatsoever because it hurts me. And I want him to get the point that I never wanted to do anything about it.

Now, we aren’t even friends on facebook—oooooo damn! That’s serious :P haha.

In more recent terms… I fought with my mom again. I can’t help it. She just doesn’t understand. I don’t intend to be mean. I intend to get my point across because she never hears me out. Everything is about her and how she feels. If she is upset, so is everyone else. If she’s not upset, everyone else is and then she gets upset and then everyone else is even more upset. I can’t catch a break with her.

Well, now that I’ve had tons of fun at my friend Aly’s house, I don’t really care about what happened with my mom. Me, Aly, and Kim have been watching movies all night but I fell asleep quickly after we started our fifth movie at midnight. Too much junk food, I say! That’s what happens at Aly’s house.

Now we’re watching Sherlock Holmes. I gotta go :P

Friends Let Friends Swim In Their Pools :)

Today was another one of those days where you think you have it all figured out and then you realize that you miscalculated something. I’ve done this a lot in the past and it gets on my nerves every time because I think I’ve learned my lesson. And each time that it happens again… Grrf!

I’ve always been the odd one out. I’m the one that doesn’t really like to play the party games like twister or catch phrase. I’m the one that doesn’t like some certain show. I’m the one that doesn’t like Harry Potter very much… I’m the one that does like Ellen Hopkins… I just don’t fit in.

I’m also always the one without a boyfriend—now, I don’t mind not having a boyfriend. I’m fine the way I am and when the right guy comes along, I’ll consider him if his offer is convincing ;) anyways… in my group of friends, there are an odd number of people. And somehow, I end up being that odd one out that end sup being the third or fifth or seventh wheel…

It first happened in ninth grade four years ago. I was with two of my girlfriends and they invited their boyfriends over to the house we were staying at. The guys wanted to get in the hot tub and the self-conscious person that I am didn’t want to put a bathing suit on and get wet. So the four of them got in the hot tub—mind you, it was like, ten at night. They cuddled and chatted and I sat on the edge, just observing. It was pretty lame… for me.

Over the last four years, there were situations of the same context but I got over them pretty quickly after learning the pattern. So today, I had planned to visit the same friend’s house and go swimming and I invited another girlfriend. Without thinking about it, I invited another friend who happened to be one of their boyfriends and I didn’t even think about what I was doing…

So both of them had their boyfriends all up in their faces today and yet again, I was the third wheel. And this time, it was completely my fault because I’m the one who invited the boys. So I have no room for any pity or sympathy because it’s my fault. I own it.

Now I’m over it. Swimming was nice—it’s been hot for the last few days here in Gilroy. Almost unbearable. But that’s what friends’ pools are for and that’s what slurpees at 7-11 are for :D I am thankful for so much—especially my friends’ pools. And slurpees. But right now, I’m thankful for my friend Kim. Even though she gets on my nerves. <3

I’m so tired of not having anything to do so I’m going to find something to do. Our Colorado trip is coming up. It’s going to be a sad one because, according to the doctors, this is going to be the last one. My grandpa has been sick a lot the last few years. In the last few months, we though he was all clear but it turns out everything that has happened in the last few years has been leading up to this:

Terminal brain cancer.

He’s going to die sometime in the next year, they say. My mom is taking it pretty hard and it makes me sad to see her so sad. Please pray for her <3

Strong As I Am...

I know a lot of people. I know enough people for everyone to have at least one friend. If all these people were to say they knew me, I would have to say that they were wrong.

Not very many people know me. I don’t even think my parents really know me. If you were one of those people I know, you would know that I am always the initiator. I am always the organizer. I am always the mother. I am always the obsessive, perfection-seeking friend that no one really, really knows. There are so very few people that know me.

Most of the people I know don’t listen to me. Even in casual conversation, I’m telling a story and I can tell the other person has already tuned me out. I can tell when what I’m saying starts to get so laaaaaaaame and it’s obvious when the other person isn’t even looking at you…

When I was in elementary school, I was the class crybaby. I cried about everything! Someone once said, “Crap.” I said that that was a bad word and he told me it wasn’t and I started crying… That’s how bad it was. I was so sensitive.

Some years go by and my emotions are tested over and over again until I start to gain control over my tears. And high school comes around and I’m as strong as I could be. I just graduated from high school with my diploma, well over the required 300 units, and 60 fully transferrable units from college—which means I have an AA degree.

And I still cry myself to sleep way too often. It’s hard to explain because no one will listen to the whole story. I don’t want someone to tell me why I’m wrong. I never stick up for myself because people are always telling me I’m wrong. I have no foundation. I blame myself for that.

For the record, I am not an immature teenager crying out for attention in dramatic ways. I don’t threaten my life with self-injury or suicidal thoughts to get all eyes on me. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t party. I’m not stuck up and I’m not selfish. So if anyone is reading this and thinking—great, not another teenager that thinks she’s the center of the universe…

I am not that kind of teenager. I am way more mature than many adults even hope to be. I am probably too mature for my own good. I’ve gone through so much and I’ve dealt with it all on my own and it’s made me as strong as my strongest moments are. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re listening.

I may be strong but I am still a human being and I am vulnerable. I give my heart to so many causes, so many people, so many things… And my heart gets broken. Time and time again, I let myself down when I expect good things from people. They tell me it’s all okay and the next minute I see that everything is speeding downhill and the brakes are broken. My friends lie to me. My friends exclude me. My friends don’t give back to me what I have so willingly given to them. For once, will someone please… please, just once, show me the same love and compassion that I have shown them?

I don’t want anyone’s money. I don’t want anyone’s food. I don’t want anyone’s gifts. I want someone’s time. I want someone’s love. I want someone’s attention for just a few minutes so that I can be reassured by someone other than myself (and my mom) that I am worth their time. I need this. I don’t want to ask for it—I’m too afraid of rejection. So someone needs to take the hint and make a move because I am completely lost right now.

My God is my Light and I believe that He loves me the way that I need it. As a teenager though, mature and strong as I am, it’s hard to feel that and sometimes, God uses other people to demonstrate His love. Will someone do that for me? Someone should ask me to go somewhere with them… Just me and them for the day because they are interested in spending time with me.

It’s late. I’m sad and I’m tired. Goodnight.