Mysteries Unsolved

We went to the beach the other day and it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I love the beach very much. It’s the perfect place for jamming with friends and ukuleles. Because I love the beach, the earlier I can go the better and none of my friends want to get there as early as I do. However, they didn’t have a choice the other day because I was their ride.

Kim, my bestest buddy, couldn’t go so I was a little disappointed about that. But I figured things would be fine. I was already not really talking to two of the people that were in my car. They didn’t know it of course :P I’m cool like that… I don’t tell the people I’m mad at that I’m mad at them.

Anyway, so seeing them after two weeks didn’t make anything better. I tried so hard to not let my feelings of resentment show. I did a great job—I always do. Either I’m really good at acting or they are horrible observers. During the day, they did their normal thing. For now, I’m just going to call them Poop and Poopie :P

Poop is fun. Anyways…

Poop and Poopie are two peas in a pod. They are exactly alike in so many way which makes me wonder why they get along so well. Both of them are always taking advantage of me. They let me buy them things and they tell me they’re going to pay me back and they don’t… Honestly, I don’t want them to pay me back. What I want is for them to want to spend time with me. I guess you could say I feel like I have to buy people’s friendship.

It’s like this other relationship I thought I had. In any situation, I always feel like I have to work for people’s attention. I always have to initiate things. And if what I say isn’t interesting enough, no response will come. He’ll only answer me if it’s a question I need answered. I can’t just text him “hey” and be able to have a normal, friendly conversation. He has to give me ten billion hints that he’s not the least bit interested in me.

He thinks I want him so baaaadly but the truth is, I don’t. I’ll be honest—I did really like him, but I never wanted to start anything because I’ve had enough failing attempts to make romantic connections. If anything is meant to be between him and me, he’s gotta start it. I get that I’m not the most attractive person in the world. I’m not skinny—I don’t have a perfect complexion—I don’t know how to not say things randomly when I’m nervous—I don’t flirt—I don’t know how to talk basically when I’m in the midst of people that make me nervous.

This guy was so amazing. He was older than me <3 and he was tall, strong, big blue eyes and brown hair (just like Zac Efron!!!!!), and he held the same beliefs that I do. He loves Jesus and does his best to embody all that Jesus was and is. It’s inspiring.

He took me to my prom—I asked him since he was a couple years older than me and I was a senior in high school. Well, I guess that set him off. The first thing he said after he said yes was, “I just want to go as friends, okay?” He said it as if I were a child he was warning not to get attached to any toys in the toy store because daddy was not buying any. He thought it would be necessary to tell me that more than once in the next couple months and I thought I had done nothing to reveal myself.

Apparently not.

Bottom line—I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to be near him. I don’t want tot talk about him. I don’t want to be involved with him whatsoever because it hurts me. And I want him to get the point that I never wanted to do anything about it.

Now, we aren’t even friends on facebook—oooooo damn! That’s serious :P haha.

In more recent terms… I fought with my mom again. I can’t help it. She just doesn’t understand. I don’t intend to be mean. I intend to get my point across because she never hears me out. Everything is about her and how she feels. If she is upset, so is everyone else. If she’s not upset, everyone else is and then she gets upset and then everyone else is even more upset. I can’t catch a break with her.

Well, now that I’ve had tons of fun at my friend Aly’s house, I don’t really care about what happened with my mom. Me, Aly, and Kim have been watching movies all night but I fell asleep quickly after we started our fifth movie at midnight. Too much junk food, I say! That’s what happens at Aly’s house.

Now we’re watching Sherlock Holmes. I gotta go :P