The Garlic Festival is looming.
Lots to do this weekend. I need to find some time to do my laundry because I’ll be off to camp on Sunday, which I am excited about. For right now, I’m just relaxing. I wish there was someone here to share the relaxing with me. I seem to have a very small pool of friends to pick from. I’m not talking to most people I know. Not on purpose, but I’m not making any effort to connect with them. It’s hard because of my serious problem with self-esteem.
I feel like no one wants to hang out with me. Even Kim. She’s my best friend and she’s not spending time with me when she has the chance. If I were my best friend and I knew I was leaving for college in two weeks with little possibility of seeing my best friend, I would make time for me. I spend so much on Kim, but not just money either. I give her my all and she gives me less than half. It’s so hard to keep up.
It really hit me last night that Kim hasn’t really changed like I thought she had. I went to Santa Cruz yesterday with a German exchange student named Clarissa and while we were downtown, I found something that I knew Kim would love. IT was very VERY glittery blue eyeliner. It probably doesn’t sound very amazing, but Kim loves that kind of stuff.
So I bought it for her, even though I have little to no money and knew I shouldn’t. I would think that speaks volumes—but not really. I dropped it off at Kim’s house last night and I said, “Hey, you should hang out with me tomorrow since I’m not doing anything.” And she said, “I don’t think I can cause Cody and I might be hanging out.” It makes me so mad and even more sad just remembering it. I asked her why she would hang out with him again (mind you, she’s spent the last week at his house) when she could spend one day with me.
For crying out loud, I’m leaving to Fresno and there’s little to no possibility that she will come visit me. She’s got the whole school year to spend with Cody and she’s got two weeks to spend with me. With all the stuff that her mom is making her do, it’s hard to get her to spend time with me anyway… And now that I think about it, it’s just so easy for her to go to Cody’s. She never surprises me or thinks of me when she wants to do something.
I hate this. I hate it so much. It’s ruining me, which is really bad. I started writing something about it. I don’t know how I feel about it:
I know things don’t change over night
But it’s been many nights since that fight
Times are changing and I’m building speed
I can’t keep slowing down cause you can’t keep up
Stay awake and keep on moving
You sleep all you can and refuse to get up
I may be tougher but my heart is still in pieces
My strength is growing and you are ruining it
I know things don’t change over night
But it’s been many nights since we shed that light
You swore things would be different but it looks like you lied
Not a surprise, to be honest, but I wished you would
Keep all your promises because I keep mine
I’m not the only one with problems, old friend
The days are numbered till my time here is gone
And you’ll regret choosing otherwise to satisfy your demise
It’s a work in progress. But it speaks what I was feeling. It’s really hard being friends with her. I feel like we have a good relationship and then she goes and does this. I feel second best. Third best. First worst.
Today is not going well for me.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
You Don't Mess With Your Friends' Older Sister
All this boredom and no plans is really affecting me. I can never seem to remember what the date is or what day of the week it is. And! I’m losing my mind because I feel like I really should be doing something during the day other than just sitting and watching TV. My dad’s not home during the day, so I can’t hang out with him. My mom won’t do anything active and my brothers are always playing video games and hanging out with their immature friends.
My brothers have some friends that I really don’t like, especially one in particular. Most of their friends are younger than them, so that means middle school kids—who annoy me! Besides my own torment from when I was in middle school, I’ve seen the emotional destruction they can cause and the disrespect they can emanate. I’ve seen this at our church’s youth group, JAM. The few times I’ve been, I’ve always been so ticked off by the amount of noise they create and the strength I see Namra, their youth leader, desperately praying for to not scream at them.
It’s impossible.
Anyway, so this one friend, Josh, is a total jerk. Several times, he’s dared to make fun of me—I am waaaay older than him AND I am his friends’ older sister… There’s got to be a rule somewhere—you don’t mess with your friends’ older sister. If there isn’t, I’m making it one right now!
He has teased me about my weight and about my interest in some TV shows. He’s made fun of other kids that are smaller and younger than him AND he’s messed with my own brothers, his own friends. AJ and Joey tell me that more often than not, he walks into their room with his middle finger in their faces for no reason! It drives me mad!
*Note: I’m trying to be British. Lol :P*
By the way, Josh, you don’t get girls to like you by being mean to them. (I swear, he had the fattiest crush on me when he was a little younger…)
I don’t really remember why I’m complaining about this… Anyways… Today was very good. I felt loved today by Kim. She probably doesn’t realize how much it means to me but she texted me and asked if we could hang out. Usually, I’m the one that has to initiate things so when the tables are turned, I find joy and comfort in the fact that they have reached out to me. It makes me feel wanted because Satan is always trying to turn my attention on the negative, extraneous thoughts that cause my self-esteem to plummet.
I got to see two great movies today, so that was fun. I went to someone’s going away party and right after that I went to the movies and saw Cars 2 which I loved! And at 11:30, my brothers, my dad, and I saw Captain America. We would be considered the first people in Gilroy to see that movie and it was great as well!
Oh my goodness… Another code brown today. And I stepped in it. I opened the door and didn’t even notice the pile of poop on the floor. I was mostly concerned about not letting Mollie out of the house. She’s fast and annoying. Anyway, I open the door and step in quickly without looking at the ground and I slip just a little. As soon as I close the door, I look down and there is a flattened brown… thing and part of it is on the bottom of my shoe.
Ew.
Plus! There’re a few puddles of diarrhea lying around and I have to clean those up too. I really hope, whoever it is, isn’t sick. Well, that took me an extra ten minutes. Karin doesn’t have paper towels so I’ve been using butt loads of toilet paper. It’s really gross, let me tell you. Actually, I’ll spare the rest of the details. It’s bad.
So now I’m trying to get this weird pain in my back to go away. I feel it sometimes when I’m sitting down late at night and not really doing anything. And my skin has been so itchy since we got back from Colorado, which has been two weeks. It’s not as extreme as it was the first few days but it is still here and it’s getting really annoying.
And I’ve noticed some red splotches right under my left eye. I thought it was just some acne at first but it’s been there for a week so I’m keeping my eye on it—my other eye lol :P
Get it? Get it? No? Lame.
Stupid foot is itchy!
My brothers have some friends that I really don’t like, especially one in particular. Most of their friends are younger than them, so that means middle school kids—who annoy me! Besides my own torment from when I was in middle school, I’ve seen the emotional destruction they can cause and the disrespect they can emanate. I’ve seen this at our church’s youth group, JAM. The few times I’ve been, I’ve always been so ticked off by the amount of noise they create and the strength I see Namra, their youth leader, desperately praying for to not scream at them.
It’s impossible.
Anyway, so this one friend, Josh, is a total jerk. Several times, he’s dared to make fun of me—I am waaaay older than him AND I am his friends’ older sister… There’s got to be a rule somewhere—you don’t mess with your friends’ older sister. If there isn’t, I’m making it one right now!
He has teased me about my weight and about my interest in some TV shows. He’s made fun of other kids that are smaller and younger than him AND he’s messed with my own brothers, his own friends. AJ and Joey tell me that more often than not, he walks into their room with his middle finger in their faces for no reason! It drives me mad!
*Note: I’m trying to be British. Lol :P*
By the way, Josh, you don’t get girls to like you by being mean to them. (I swear, he had the fattiest crush on me when he was a little younger…)
I don’t really remember why I’m complaining about this… Anyways… Today was very good. I felt loved today by Kim. She probably doesn’t realize how much it means to me but she texted me and asked if we could hang out. Usually, I’m the one that has to initiate things so when the tables are turned, I find joy and comfort in the fact that they have reached out to me. It makes me feel wanted because Satan is always trying to turn my attention on the negative, extraneous thoughts that cause my self-esteem to plummet.
I got to see two great movies today, so that was fun. I went to someone’s going away party and right after that I went to the movies and saw Cars 2 which I loved! And at 11:30, my brothers, my dad, and I saw Captain America. We would be considered the first people in Gilroy to see that movie and it was great as well!
Oh my goodness… Another code brown today. And I stepped in it. I opened the door and didn’t even notice the pile of poop on the floor. I was mostly concerned about not letting Mollie out of the house. She’s fast and annoying. Anyway, I open the door and step in quickly without looking at the ground and I slip just a little. As soon as I close the door, I look down and there is a flattened brown… thing and part of it is on the bottom of my shoe.
Ew.
Plus! There’re a few puddles of diarrhea lying around and I have to clean those up too. I really hope, whoever it is, isn’t sick. Well, that took me an extra ten minutes. Karin doesn’t have paper towels so I’ve been using butt loads of toilet paper. It’s really gross, let me tell you. Actually, I’ll spare the rest of the details. It’s bad.
So now I’m trying to get this weird pain in my back to go away. I feel it sometimes when I’m sitting down late at night and not really doing anything. And my skin has been so itchy since we got back from Colorado, which has been two weeks. It’s not as extreme as it was the first few days but it is still here and it’s getting really annoying.
And I’ve noticed some red splotches right under my left eye. I thought it was just some acne at first but it’s been there for a week so I’m keeping my eye on it—my other eye lol :P
Get it? Get it? No? Lame.
Stupid foot is itchy!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Grrrf!
So the last three days have been hectic almost. It feels like they’ve been hectic. I’ve been going so many places and spending way too much money… After my emotional breakdown on Sunday, I went to a Christian concert and it was great! It was actually kind of short, which I wasn’t expecting. I wish I knew more of the songs they played. I didn’t know most of them. I knew a few words to maybe one song and that was about it. However, I did get all of the band’s CD’s. I think… I have five of I don’t know how many MercyMe CD’s.
Monday was sort of chill. All I can remember doing that day was going over to Karin’s house for some more instructions on taking care of all of her pets. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already, but she has four cats (three adults, one kitten), a hairless rat with “head-tilt disease,” two quails (Romeo and Juliet), a bunny, a guinea pig, and two dogs (who are quite large). So I’ve got my work cut out for me. Last night was the first night I checked up on the animals and one of the cats, either Salem or Mollie, had an… accident… Let’s just say I had to call a code brown!
I’ve been going swimming a lot, too, since the Clements have been gone (that’s Karin’s family). They have a lovely pool and it’s so nice to go swimming in this crazy heat in the bay area of California. It’s super hot during the day and then it gets rather chilly in the evening and definitely at night.
Yesterday, though, was super amazing. I went with Kim and her family to Fresno so that I could show them my school. They happened to be dropping off their cousin, who lives in Fresno, so they suggested I come with them and check out the school.
Up until yesterday afternoon, I had never seen much of FPU. It’s ironic how I will be attending but I’ve never had a full campus tour. So dorm shopping has been sort of risky because I hadn’t seen what the dorms look like nor was there much information online. Kim’s mom, Marlene, told me to find someone and ask about the dorms. We happened across the student life office and so we started asking some questions and turns out… We got a tour!
I got to go see the freshmen dorms and get some of my questions answered—not to mention our tour guide, Allan, was rather cute. I even got to see the sophomore dorms, too, which are a little different.
So it looks like I’ll be sharing a room with two other ladies and we get our own bathroom. It’s actually really cool! The room is spacious, even with three people in it. Each of us gets a bed, desk, and closet. I’m so excited!
While I’m still sad about just me and my dad going to the send off service on the 19th, I am a little bit lifted up now because my dad recognized how hard I was taking it and he told me he wanted to throw me a going-away party the night before. I feel so much better even though I still really wanted others to be there the next day. My mom still isn’t going to be in town for my going-away party so I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. There’s nothing I can say or do that’s going to change her mind so it’s not really worth thinking about.
I’ve been working on that song, “A Thousand More,” that I posted a long time ago and it’s not working! I’m getting frustrated because I’m struggling to find the right music for the words. I’m so much better at putting music to words than I am at putting words to music. On top of that, my singing isn’t great so that’s throwing me off as well. Grrrf.
I'm going to start adding a new song every week :) i discovered how to do it so I'm going to do it now. lol :) should be fun! This week's is Amber Lynn by Mayday Parade.
Alright I’m signing off now!
Monday was sort of chill. All I can remember doing that day was going over to Karin’s house for some more instructions on taking care of all of her pets. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already, but she has four cats (three adults, one kitten), a hairless rat with “head-tilt disease,” two quails (Romeo and Juliet), a bunny, a guinea pig, and two dogs (who are quite large). So I’ve got my work cut out for me. Last night was the first night I checked up on the animals and one of the cats, either Salem or Mollie, had an… accident… Let’s just say I had to call a code brown!
I’ve been going swimming a lot, too, since the Clements have been gone (that’s Karin’s family). They have a lovely pool and it’s so nice to go swimming in this crazy heat in the bay area of California. It’s super hot during the day and then it gets rather chilly in the evening and definitely at night.
Yesterday, though, was super amazing. I went with Kim and her family to Fresno so that I could show them my school. They happened to be dropping off their cousin, who lives in Fresno, so they suggested I come with them and check out the school.
Up until yesterday afternoon, I had never seen much of FPU. It’s ironic how I will be attending but I’ve never had a full campus tour. So dorm shopping has been sort of risky because I hadn’t seen what the dorms look like nor was there much information online. Kim’s mom, Marlene, told me to find someone and ask about the dorms. We happened across the student life office and so we started asking some questions and turns out… We got a tour!
I got to go see the freshmen dorms and get some of my questions answered—not to mention our tour guide, Allan, was rather cute. I even got to see the sophomore dorms, too, which are a little different.
So it looks like I’ll be sharing a room with two other ladies and we get our own bathroom. It’s actually really cool! The room is spacious, even with three people in it. Each of us gets a bed, desk, and closet. I’m so excited!
While I’m still sad about just me and my dad going to the send off service on the 19th, I am a little bit lifted up now because my dad recognized how hard I was taking it and he told me he wanted to throw me a going-away party the night before. I feel so much better even though I still really wanted others to be there the next day. My mom still isn’t going to be in town for my going-away party so I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. There’s nothing I can say or do that’s going to change her mind so it’s not really worth thinking about.
I’ve been working on that song, “A Thousand More,” that I posted a long time ago and it’s not working! I’m getting frustrated because I’m struggling to find the right music for the words. I’m so much better at putting music to words than I am at putting words to music. On top of that, my singing isn’t great so that’s throwing me off as well. Grrrf.
I'm going to start adding a new song every week :) i discovered how to do it so I'm going to do it now. lol :) should be fun! This week's is Amber Lynn by Mayday Parade.
Alright I’m signing off now!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Wooglepoof!
Today has sucked mostly so far. I was feeling good until after church. Before I get to the bad, I want to start off with some good. I am loving leading worship for the little kids without Alison. She’s got no spirit when it comes to these kids and I’ve always felt out of place jumping around and participating in the joy. Now I can do anything I want and it brings joy to the kids which is the whole point in worship.
For the first time in a long time I went into the big kid church :P after we were done with the little kids. It was an interesting sermon about circumcision so I wasn’t totally paying attention. But what I got from it was that not many Christians are as committed as they say they are. They want to be committed but life and human nature gets in the way.
I totally relate to that. And worship in the big church is so much more meaningful to me. I love the dancy, up beat songs and they played one today. I was probably the only one so excited to sing it. I love the words and how I feel singing it to God. It’s an amazing feeling knowing that God is hearing me, out of a crowd of a million (there aren’t a million people in my church, by the way), and is so happy to hear me, no matter how bad it was.
And as soon as the service was over, reality starts to become dark as person after person disappoints me. In a matter of minutes, I go from spiritually high to depressed beyond belief.
Let’s begin with the beginning of another sad story. I am moving to Fresno on August 19th and the only person confirmed to go with me is my dad. My mom has a conference for her new business (I say that with a sarcastic, annoyed, and spiteful tone) that she “needs” to be at. Honestly, she doesn’t need to be there. She doesn’t realize the gravity of her choice and the depth it has gone in my heart. And even though my dad is coming with me, I don’t think even he realizes what a big deal this is to me and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset only he’s going.
My brothers give me the impression that they don’t want to go. So the plan was for Kim, Soquel (another senior that’s moving on this year), and Namra (my friend from church who’s seen me grow up in the church—she’s an adult) were going to come with me and help me move in. Months ago, we all agreed on it and I told them August 19th!
I see Namra after church and I tell her that I have some information about how the timing is going to work and how she and the girls are going to have to leave at 5pm. I hardly get a word out before she says, “Ohhh…. what day is that again?” I tell her the 19th and she says, “I don’t think I can do it.” I did a horrible job at concealing my pain. Turns out she double booked that day… Sound familiar?
And I tell her it’s fine because I don’t want her to feel guilty even though I wish she did. And she tells me, “I don’t feel guilty about it. I want to go but I don’t feel guilty.” These are the last words I ever expected Namra to say to me… She’s supposed to be so forgiving and loving and compassionate and she says this bullshit to me.
I’ve never been so mad at her. I’ve never been so hurt by her. I’m still in shock about the whole thing. Since it doesn’t look like Namra can go, it’s likely that Kim won’t go and I don’t think Soquel will go without the other two.
So we’re back down to me and my dad. And at this point, I don’t want anyone else to come because I’m so afraid of someone betraying me again.
And! I planned for a few friends to go swimming at Karin’s on Wednesday. I’m taking care of her animals and she told me I am welcome to have some friends over and go swimming. I told Kim and Cody on Friday that I wanted us to hang out on Wednesday and go swimming and both were like, “Cool.”
So I remind Kim as I’m trying to keep my tears from falling in front of Namra that we’re still on for Wednesday and she says, “Wednesday? I can’t do Wednesday.” Fuck man. Excuse me. That’s really bad. But I’m not totally sorry about it. She effing sucks right now. I said, “Dude, you said it was okay on Friday.” Of course, she denied it and she acts like I’m always wrong and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can say is, “I hate you.” And as soon as it slips out, I don’t mean it. As much as I did really resent her at that point, I don’t hate her. She’s my best friend and this happens—fighting I mean. However, at this point with all the cancellations and emotional/mental attacks I’m experiencing, I’m starting to hit rock bottom. I’m getting really fed up with all this shit.
I am not a cusser. Whatsoever. But as you can see, my anger and frustration is overpowering me at the moment. I’ve never been so sad in my life.
I don’t get the chance to cry like I want to because several other people at church stop me and chat. Once I got home, I tried really hard not to bring attention to myself. I break the news to my dad and he seems unaffected by it. Now I’m not really feeling like I need to cry. About an hour goes by before my heart starts to fail again.
My dad is leaving the house and I bring up something that should have been done two years ago. Here’s another story that starts a while back—two years ago when I took my driver’s license test, my mom promised me a Jamba Juice if I passed. Of course I passed but my instructor was 45 minutes late to my appointment and I had a final that was in less than 30 minutes so my mom promised me we would do it another day.
Today should have been that day. Two years later, she still hasn’t gotten me one and today was the perfect opportunity. I’m surprised she rejected the suggestion since it meant she didn’t have to drive, didn’t have to get up or go out—my dad was heading there anyway and all she had to do was text him. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t do it and I tried really hard to explain but of course, she can’t be out-smarted by me.
Then I see her cleaning Joey’s glasses for him. That sets me off because I HATE how she babies my brothers. They are 14 years old and she still does their laundry (something I did for my self starting in seventh grade), makes their lunches (something I started doing for myself in middle school), and apparently washes their glasses (something so simple, a baby could do it).
I don’t understand at all why she does it. I fight her on it, even if both of them think I’m nuts. The point of me arguing about it is because I hate how she babies them and this is a prime example. She’s always saying, “I did that for you when you were that age.” Ha! I’ve never had her wash my glasses for me. She claimed Joey asked for it and I look at him and he says, “I asked her to show me how.” But she ended up just doing it for him.
She’s running him into the ground when she does this. Not just the glasses. I could care less about the glasses. It’s the fact that when they ask her to show them, she just does it for them. They will never learn and their future partners are going to be stuck with a couple of mama’s boys who will be living at home when they’re 50. It goes for AJ, too. Thank God he wasn’t here for the argument because he would have cut me up emotionally. He’s going to be a lot like my dad.
Then… this is the worst of this argument. It keeps going for a few more minutes as I try to make my point clearer and Joey starts fighting back at me and all I can say is, “Why does no one ever believe me?” And these telltale words will never leave me. I will be haunted by what comes out of Joey’s mouth forever, I know it. My worst fears are confirmed and my suspicions of emotional destruction begin to find the light as I hear him tell me…
“Because no one is ever on your side.”
Speechless, I am. I stare at him for a few seconds and I feel like this would be a great scene in a movie. Everything slows down and sad, dramatic music plays softly as the hero/heroine’s demons start to appear right before his/her eyes. It only lasts a few seconds at the most and my mom starts to say something but my anger is so great and my pain even greater that I nearly tell her to shut up (but the nicer “shush” comes out) and I yell that I don’t want either of them to ever talk to me again. “Don’t talk to me again!” I yell.
I slam the door and I start crying like I can’t stop—like I’m reliving my granddaddy’s death… like I’m preparing for my grandpa’s death. I feel like I just died. I’m sure to naked minds that Joey’s and my mom’s words are just wooglepoof (meaning they mean nothing) but to me, they mean everything. All these years I have suppressed the urge to confess to myself that no one is on my side and I’ve been told that I always think everyone is out to get me and never on my side… According to Joey, I was right.
Now I’m in my room, not crying anymore. I fight the desire to cut my arm out of resentment and anger but I don’t do it. I don’t do it because the only person whose opinion and feelings I care about at the moment are God’s and I know he would feel the pain just as much as I would and it would do me no good.
Thankfully, there’s a lock on my door and I will be leaving in two hours to go to a Christian concert with some adults from church. Earlier today, I was sad that none of my family was going but now I’m glad. They don’t deserve such joy.
This entry is getting long so I better cut it. But my frustration is still lingering, even though it feels really good to get it out. I know no one knows about all this because no one needs to know. Thank you, nonexistent audience for reading through. It makes me feel better knowing that at least people who don’t exist are on my side.
Or not.
For the first time in a long time I went into the big kid church :P after we were done with the little kids. It was an interesting sermon about circumcision so I wasn’t totally paying attention. But what I got from it was that not many Christians are as committed as they say they are. They want to be committed but life and human nature gets in the way.
I totally relate to that. And worship in the big church is so much more meaningful to me. I love the dancy, up beat songs and they played one today. I was probably the only one so excited to sing it. I love the words and how I feel singing it to God. It’s an amazing feeling knowing that God is hearing me, out of a crowd of a million (there aren’t a million people in my church, by the way), and is so happy to hear me, no matter how bad it was.
And as soon as the service was over, reality starts to become dark as person after person disappoints me. In a matter of minutes, I go from spiritually high to depressed beyond belief.
Let’s begin with the beginning of another sad story. I am moving to Fresno on August 19th and the only person confirmed to go with me is my dad. My mom has a conference for her new business (I say that with a sarcastic, annoyed, and spiteful tone) that she “needs” to be at. Honestly, she doesn’t need to be there. She doesn’t realize the gravity of her choice and the depth it has gone in my heart. And even though my dad is coming with me, I don’t think even he realizes what a big deal this is to me and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset only he’s going.
My brothers give me the impression that they don’t want to go. So the plan was for Kim, Soquel (another senior that’s moving on this year), and Namra (my friend from church who’s seen me grow up in the church—she’s an adult) were going to come with me and help me move in. Months ago, we all agreed on it and I told them August 19th!
I see Namra after church and I tell her that I have some information about how the timing is going to work and how she and the girls are going to have to leave at 5pm. I hardly get a word out before she says, “Ohhh…. what day is that again?” I tell her the 19th and she says, “I don’t think I can do it.” I did a horrible job at concealing my pain. Turns out she double booked that day… Sound familiar?
And I tell her it’s fine because I don’t want her to feel guilty even though I wish she did. And she tells me, “I don’t feel guilty about it. I want to go but I don’t feel guilty.” These are the last words I ever expected Namra to say to me… She’s supposed to be so forgiving and loving and compassionate and she says this bullshit to me.
I’ve never been so mad at her. I’ve never been so hurt by her. I’m still in shock about the whole thing. Since it doesn’t look like Namra can go, it’s likely that Kim won’t go and I don’t think Soquel will go without the other two.
So we’re back down to me and my dad. And at this point, I don’t want anyone else to come because I’m so afraid of someone betraying me again.
And! I planned for a few friends to go swimming at Karin’s on Wednesday. I’m taking care of her animals and she told me I am welcome to have some friends over and go swimming. I told Kim and Cody on Friday that I wanted us to hang out on Wednesday and go swimming and both were like, “Cool.”
So I remind Kim as I’m trying to keep my tears from falling in front of Namra that we’re still on for Wednesday and she says, “Wednesday? I can’t do Wednesday.” Fuck man. Excuse me. That’s really bad. But I’m not totally sorry about it. She effing sucks right now. I said, “Dude, you said it was okay on Friday.” Of course, she denied it and she acts like I’m always wrong and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can say is, “I hate you.” And as soon as it slips out, I don’t mean it. As much as I did really resent her at that point, I don’t hate her. She’s my best friend and this happens—fighting I mean. However, at this point with all the cancellations and emotional/mental attacks I’m experiencing, I’m starting to hit rock bottom. I’m getting really fed up with all this shit.
I am not a cusser. Whatsoever. But as you can see, my anger and frustration is overpowering me at the moment. I’ve never been so sad in my life.
I don’t get the chance to cry like I want to because several other people at church stop me and chat. Once I got home, I tried really hard not to bring attention to myself. I break the news to my dad and he seems unaffected by it. Now I’m not really feeling like I need to cry. About an hour goes by before my heart starts to fail again.
My dad is leaving the house and I bring up something that should have been done two years ago. Here’s another story that starts a while back—two years ago when I took my driver’s license test, my mom promised me a Jamba Juice if I passed. Of course I passed but my instructor was 45 minutes late to my appointment and I had a final that was in less than 30 minutes so my mom promised me we would do it another day.
Today should have been that day. Two years later, she still hasn’t gotten me one and today was the perfect opportunity. I’m surprised she rejected the suggestion since it meant she didn’t have to drive, didn’t have to get up or go out—my dad was heading there anyway and all she had to do was text him. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t do it and I tried really hard to explain but of course, she can’t be out-smarted by me.
Then I see her cleaning Joey’s glasses for him. That sets me off because I HATE how she babies my brothers. They are 14 years old and she still does their laundry (something I did for my self starting in seventh grade), makes their lunches (something I started doing for myself in middle school), and apparently washes their glasses (something so simple, a baby could do it).
I don’t understand at all why she does it. I fight her on it, even if both of them think I’m nuts. The point of me arguing about it is because I hate how she babies them and this is a prime example. She’s always saying, “I did that for you when you were that age.” Ha! I’ve never had her wash my glasses for me. She claimed Joey asked for it and I look at him and he says, “I asked her to show me how.” But she ended up just doing it for him.
She’s running him into the ground when she does this. Not just the glasses. I could care less about the glasses. It’s the fact that when they ask her to show them, she just does it for them. They will never learn and their future partners are going to be stuck with a couple of mama’s boys who will be living at home when they’re 50. It goes for AJ, too. Thank God he wasn’t here for the argument because he would have cut me up emotionally. He’s going to be a lot like my dad.
Then… this is the worst of this argument. It keeps going for a few more minutes as I try to make my point clearer and Joey starts fighting back at me and all I can say is, “Why does no one ever believe me?” And these telltale words will never leave me. I will be haunted by what comes out of Joey’s mouth forever, I know it. My worst fears are confirmed and my suspicions of emotional destruction begin to find the light as I hear him tell me…
“Because no one is ever on your side.”
Speechless, I am. I stare at him for a few seconds and I feel like this would be a great scene in a movie. Everything slows down and sad, dramatic music plays softly as the hero/heroine’s demons start to appear right before his/her eyes. It only lasts a few seconds at the most and my mom starts to say something but my anger is so great and my pain even greater that I nearly tell her to shut up (but the nicer “shush” comes out) and I yell that I don’t want either of them to ever talk to me again. “Don’t talk to me again!” I yell.
I slam the door and I start crying like I can’t stop—like I’m reliving my granddaddy’s death… like I’m preparing for my grandpa’s death. I feel like I just died. I’m sure to naked minds that Joey’s and my mom’s words are just wooglepoof (meaning they mean nothing) but to me, they mean everything. All these years I have suppressed the urge to confess to myself that no one is on my side and I’ve been told that I always think everyone is out to get me and never on my side… According to Joey, I was right.
Now I’m in my room, not crying anymore. I fight the desire to cut my arm out of resentment and anger but I don’t do it. I don’t do it because the only person whose opinion and feelings I care about at the moment are God’s and I know he would feel the pain just as much as I would and it would do me no good.
Thankfully, there’s a lock on my door and I will be leaving in two hours to go to a Christian concert with some adults from church. Earlier today, I was sad that none of my family was going but now I’m glad. They don’t deserve such joy.
This entry is getting long so I better cut it. But my frustration is still lingering, even though it feels really good to get it out. I know no one knows about all this because no one needs to know. Thank you, nonexistent audience for reading through. It makes me feel better knowing that at least people who don’t exist are on my side.
Or not.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Harry Potter! :(
There are days when I think that my life will be over when something like Harry Potter ends.
Then there are days—usually the same ones—when I realize that Harry Potter, while majorly awesome the journey was, needed to end (just like Lost, lol :P). For the record, I was never a die-hard fan like so many people. My mom read the first book to me many years ago and I hardly remember any of it. She even started reading the second one to me but I remember falling asleep while she was reading once, and she never read it to me again. Nor did I start reading it myself.
And I don’t want to. Not right now, at least. I have a pride problem and I pride myself on not being a die hard fan of any books. I also am proud of the fact that I haven’t read the books. Basically, I will not conform. The Harry Potter culture is so exclusive and I hate when people are exclusive. So after the hype dies down a lot—maybe in the coming years—I’ll consider reading it so that I know the reason I’m reading it is because I want to read it, not because someone else wants me to read it or because I want to fit in.
If I feel like someone or something wants me to fit in or I feel like I have to fit in in order to be accepted, then something is wrong. No one should feel like who they are isn’t good enough. Don’t get me wrong, everyone struggles with judgment, especially me, but I think because I know it’s something I struggle with, I’m the best at calling myself out and correcting the attitude. I’ll say it again: no one should feel like who they are, what they think, what they feel, what they believe, isn’t good enough for others.
That’s why it irritates me so much when my family acts like that. When they say things about others and make decisions based on prejudices and preconceived notions, I get upset because I think, “Well how do you think that makes the other people feel? Do you even consider what your actions are saying to those people?” Obviously not. I wish more people were considerate, more attentive to the details in their own lives so they could see what it’s doing to others.
Maybe that’s why I’m so upset and frustrated and on edge all the time—maybe being so attentive is not so good. I’m always worried about what I’m saying—how I’m saying it—and how other people are taking it in. I’m always correcting myself and making sure I’m very clear as to how I feel but without hurting someone else or confusing them. I am so keen about these things that when the tables are turned, I’m the one that gets hurt and I wonder why no one else thinks like I do. No one else does.
I’m so serious. No one else.
I went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk yesterday with Kim and Cody. Cody and I have a weird history but it’s definitely not awkward between me and him anymore nor is it uncomfortable to hang out with him. I hardly ever think about my time with him. But Kim and Cody have really weird history, especially on Kim’s side. She has been into him since I was into him but the difference between me and her is that I’m over it, especially since he claims that he’s gay. Secondly! She has a boyfriend and she continues to flirt with him and spend intimate time with him.
It boggles my mind how strange and wrong her behavior is. I have yet to confront her. I don’t really know how but I think I can do it. I don’t know if I really should but when it comes to times like yesterday when I am put into the environment where I am being pushed (literally) out of the way so that she can be near someone that is so not interested in her, I need to say something. It’s for my own emotional health and my own mental stability.
That’s something that I’m learning to do now, too—standing up for myself and stopping the madness before it drives me mad. That’s a new term I’ve developed from 72 hours of Harry Potter madness—there it is again. Ha!
Then there are days—usually the same ones—when I realize that Harry Potter, while majorly awesome the journey was, needed to end (just like Lost, lol :P). For the record, I was never a die-hard fan like so many people. My mom read the first book to me many years ago and I hardly remember any of it. She even started reading the second one to me but I remember falling asleep while she was reading once, and she never read it to me again. Nor did I start reading it myself.
And I don’t want to. Not right now, at least. I have a pride problem and I pride myself on not being a die hard fan of any books. I also am proud of the fact that I haven’t read the books. Basically, I will not conform. The Harry Potter culture is so exclusive and I hate when people are exclusive. So after the hype dies down a lot—maybe in the coming years—I’ll consider reading it so that I know the reason I’m reading it is because I want to read it, not because someone else wants me to read it or because I want to fit in.
If I feel like someone or something wants me to fit in or I feel like I have to fit in in order to be accepted, then something is wrong. No one should feel like who they are isn’t good enough. Don’t get me wrong, everyone struggles with judgment, especially me, but I think because I know it’s something I struggle with, I’m the best at calling myself out and correcting the attitude. I’ll say it again: no one should feel like who they are, what they think, what they feel, what they believe, isn’t good enough for others.
That’s why it irritates me so much when my family acts like that. When they say things about others and make decisions based on prejudices and preconceived notions, I get upset because I think, “Well how do you think that makes the other people feel? Do you even consider what your actions are saying to those people?” Obviously not. I wish more people were considerate, more attentive to the details in their own lives so they could see what it’s doing to others.
Maybe that’s why I’m so upset and frustrated and on edge all the time—maybe being so attentive is not so good. I’m always worried about what I’m saying—how I’m saying it—and how other people are taking it in. I’m always correcting myself and making sure I’m very clear as to how I feel but without hurting someone else or confusing them. I am so keen about these things that when the tables are turned, I’m the one that gets hurt and I wonder why no one else thinks like I do. No one else does.
I’m so serious. No one else.
I went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk yesterday with Kim and Cody. Cody and I have a weird history but it’s definitely not awkward between me and him anymore nor is it uncomfortable to hang out with him. I hardly ever think about my time with him. But Kim and Cody have really weird history, especially on Kim’s side. She has been into him since I was into him but the difference between me and her is that I’m over it, especially since he claims that he’s gay. Secondly! She has a boyfriend and she continues to flirt with him and spend intimate time with him.
It boggles my mind how strange and wrong her behavior is. I have yet to confront her. I don’t really know how but I think I can do it. I don’t know if I really should but when it comes to times like yesterday when I am put into the environment where I am being pushed (literally) out of the way so that she can be near someone that is so not interested in her, I need to say something. It’s for my own emotional health and my own mental stability.
That’s something that I’m learning to do now, too—standing up for myself and stopping the madness before it drives me mad. That’s a new term I’ve developed from 72 hours of Harry Potter madness—there it is again. Ha!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Cake Boss!
This has been a couple of disappointing days, filled with some tears and some personal battles with inner demons. It was agreed several weeks ago that my family would be getting to see the new Harry Potter movie two days in advance. Our friend, Alison, works at the local movie theatre, and she gets three extra tickets to see any movie a day in advance of the first showing. In addition, her daughter works there too, so our whole family was invited to see the movie.
Lo and behold, a few days ago, I see a post on her Facebook that her friends from high school were going to see the movie with her. My heart dropped. I was so upset and most people would be mad at me if they knew how upset I was. I felt so horrible because no one ever acknowledges my anger or my sadness and takes it seriously.
I was mostly mad because I really wanted to go see the movie before everyone else out of spite because my “friends,” Poop and Poopie, have had an exclusive Harry Potter party for the last several years that I was never included in, no matter how hard I tried. They’ve cancelled on me for each other and they’ve excluded me, and many others, from their midnight showing groups.
Bottom line, they stink. And I really wanted to have this over them, be able to see it before them and not invite them. Actually I did invite Poop to go see the show with me but she double booked over me and chose them over me. Turns out she wouldn’t have been able to go with me. So that plan was ruined.
And the other reason I was so upset is that Alison double booked over me. Not just me, my family. No one else seems to be upset about this. I feel betrayed and unconsidered by Alison, like she completely forgot about me. This happens to me all the time and it takes a toll on my emotions. It’s something I’ve struggled with for years—people don’t take things as seriously as I do. When I make plans, I make a big deal out of it and every time (yes, it happens a lot) I get let down, my heart breaks just a little more and my self-esteem falls just a little more.
It’s horrible if you’re me, being someone who cares so much about even the littlest things. I don’t know what to do about it… No one has ever assured me that I’m sane and it’s okay to feel that way. Lots of people beat me up about my intensity and leave me bruised and scarred with no advice, no continuous help, no support. Just leave me there to wither away… so dramatic! I could write some poetry! I’m really not that dramatic, I swear.
And now I’m in a situation that I put myself in. Again, I am third wheeling with Reese and Kim. It’s gross. That’s all I have to say. I warned Kim not to let this happen, and she lets it happen. No more, my friend. I no longer am going to let both of you over at my house at the same time.
I’m really sad again. It’s a good thing Cake Boss is here to cheer me up!
Lo and behold, a few days ago, I see a post on her Facebook that her friends from high school were going to see the movie with her. My heart dropped. I was so upset and most people would be mad at me if they knew how upset I was. I felt so horrible because no one ever acknowledges my anger or my sadness and takes it seriously.
I was mostly mad because I really wanted to go see the movie before everyone else out of spite because my “friends,” Poop and Poopie, have had an exclusive Harry Potter party for the last several years that I was never included in, no matter how hard I tried. They’ve cancelled on me for each other and they’ve excluded me, and many others, from their midnight showing groups.
Bottom line, they stink. And I really wanted to have this over them, be able to see it before them and not invite them. Actually I did invite Poop to go see the show with me but she double booked over me and chose them over me. Turns out she wouldn’t have been able to go with me. So that plan was ruined.
And the other reason I was so upset is that Alison double booked over me. Not just me, my family. No one else seems to be upset about this. I feel betrayed and unconsidered by Alison, like she completely forgot about me. This happens to me all the time and it takes a toll on my emotions. It’s something I’ve struggled with for years—people don’t take things as seriously as I do. When I make plans, I make a big deal out of it and every time (yes, it happens a lot) I get let down, my heart breaks just a little more and my self-esteem falls just a little more.
It’s horrible if you’re me, being someone who cares so much about even the littlest things. I don’t know what to do about it… No one has ever assured me that I’m sane and it’s okay to feel that way. Lots of people beat me up about my intensity and leave me bruised and scarred with no advice, no continuous help, no support. Just leave me there to wither away… so dramatic! I could write some poetry! I’m really not that dramatic, I swear.
And now I’m in a situation that I put myself in. Again, I am third wheeling with Reese and Kim. It’s gross. That’s all I have to say. I warned Kim not to let this happen, and she lets it happen. No more, my friend. I no longer am going to let both of you over at my house at the same time.
I’m really sad again. It’s a good thing Cake Boss is here to cheer me up!
Monday, July 11, 2011
August Is Over
I’m so behind on Glee. I started it a long time ago and it’s taking me really long time to get through the first season. I have a long streak but then it dies out because I run out of time or I forget. I have a horrible memory.
I’m frustrated now because our friend offered us pre-midnight showing tickets of Harry Potter 7 (part 2) for this Wednesday, but suddenly it’s like she never did. And my dad does not understand at all. I hate when he thinks he’s right because I know he’s not but there’s nothing I can say because my dad… is my dad.
So the last two days, I’ve hung out with my bestest buddy, Kim. Yesterday, we did a butt load of dorm shopping for me at Target and Wal-Mart and it was very fun! And then we went out again today back to Wal-Mart for some nail and make-up shopping and then Bed, Bath, & Beyond for a couple of things. I’m getting excited about decorating my new dorm room. And although my mom isn’t going to be there, my friends are picking up the slack that she’s leaving so I’m feeling a little bit better.
I’m also really nervous about moving away. When I think about it, I start thinking that this is it. I’m moving away… And I really shouldn’t come back. I should be getting on my own feet and living on my own. I’m afraid of that step. I have to think about where I want to live… And I have to think about internships that I want—like the one for Ellen DeGeneres. That would mean I’d have to move to Burbank. Ugh… I’m freaked out.
I feel like singing. I feel like playing guitar. I want to write a new song… I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out because good lyrics don’t come out of me very easily. We’ll see what happens I guess.
Tomorrow I’m headed to the Boardwalk with my high school youth group. I’m kind of nervous because I don’t like to be around that group of high school kids. It bugs me how selfish that group is and how giddy and childish they all are. I’m not very excited about that. It will just make me more excited about going away to Fresno.
I have nothing to do the next three or four weeks. Camp is coming up in August. Everything happens in August and then out of nowhere August will be over (We The Kings, August is Over) and I will be starting school and not being around my parents all the time. Oyyggg :P
I’m frustrated now because our friend offered us pre-midnight showing tickets of Harry Potter 7 (part 2) for this Wednesday, but suddenly it’s like she never did. And my dad does not understand at all. I hate when he thinks he’s right because I know he’s not but there’s nothing I can say because my dad… is my dad.
So the last two days, I’ve hung out with my bestest buddy, Kim. Yesterday, we did a butt load of dorm shopping for me at Target and Wal-Mart and it was very fun! And then we went out again today back to Wal-Mart for some nail and make-up shopping and then Bed, Bath, & Beyond for a couple of things. I’m getting excited about decorating my new dorm room. And although my mom isn’t going to be there, my friends are picking up the slack that she’s leaving so I’m feeling a little bit better.
I’m also really nervous about moving away. When I think about it, I start thinking that this is it. I’m moving away… And I really shouldn’t come back. I should be getting on my own feet and living on my own. I’m afraid of that step. I have to think about where I want to live… And I have to think about internships that I want—like the one for Ellen DeGeneres. That would mean I’d have to move to Burbank. Ugh… I’m freaked out.
I feel like singing. I feel like playing guitar. I want to write a new song… I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out because good lyrics don’t come out of me very easily. We’ll see what happens I guess.
Tomorrow I’m headed to the Boardwalk with my high school youth group. I’m kind of nervous because I don’t like to be around that group of high school kids. It bugs me how selfish that group is and how giddy and childish they all are. I’m not very excited about that. It will just make me more excited about going away to Fresno.
I have nothing to do the next three or four weeks. Camp is coming up in August. Everything happens in August and then out of nowhere August will be over (We The Kings, August is Over) and I will be starting school and not being around my parents all the time. Oyyggg :P
Friday, July 8, 2011
I Feel Like Dancin'
Finally!
We’re home.
It feels so good to be back in my own room that I don’t have to share with—okay wait… I do have to share my room tonight but it’s with someone I actually like—anyone and everything is all close and warm and mine. It’s nice not to have to listen to people screaming at each other over hair dryers and straighteners. It’s definitely nice to not be around drinkers and partiers. It’s very nice to not be around so many people that I don’t know.
It’s not very nice that I’m not surrounded by cute dogs! It’s not very nice that we’re so far away from my grandpa now. It’s not very nice that I have to do laundry now.
But obviously, there’s so much more nice stuff. It’s wonderful to be home after so long. And it’s wonderful to be in the company of my bestest buddy. She makes me feel important… unlike a lot of other “friends” I have. It’s nice to be loved. We’re going to be doing each others’ nails. I’m sort of excited and not excited about waiting for all of them to dry.
The playlist running in my head right now has a lot of all time low and big time rush. Especially “I Feel Like Dancin’” and “Worldwide” (ATL then BTR). I’m not exactly sure why but I really do feel like dancing and I do feel like I just traveled the world. Haha :P
Emotionally, I’m totally fine right now. I’m not thinking about any of the crap I went through on the trip and I’m not thinking about any of the things people owe me. It’s really not worth thinking about because it just makes me mad and that doesn’t get me or anyone else anywhere. I’m not thinking about moving out—well, now I am, but it’s not bothering me—and I’m not thinking about anything else… There’s nothing else wrong right now.
I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious… haha :P that’s ironic. That’s the name of a song I love :) go look it up (FTSK)
We’re home.
It feels so good to be back in my own room that I don’t have to share with—okay wait… I do have to share my room tonight but it’s with someone I actually like—anyone and everything is all close and warm and mine. It’s nice not to have to listen to people screaming at each other over hair dryers and straighteners. It’s definitely nice to not be around drinkers and partiers. It’s very nice to not be around so many people that I don’t know.
It’s not very nice that I’m not surrounded by cute dogs! It’s not very nice that we’re so far away from my grandpa now. It’s not very nice that I have to do laundry now.
But obviously, there’s so much more nice stuff. It’s wonderful to be home after so long. And it’s wonderful to be in the company of my bestest buddy. She makes me feel important… unlike a lot of other “friends” I have. It’s nice to be loved. We’re going to be doing each others’ nails. I’m sort of excited and not excited about waiting for all of them to dry.
The playlist running in my head right now has a lot of all time low and big time rush. Especially “I Feel Like Dancin’” and “Worldwide” (ATL then BTR). I’m not exactly sure why but I really do feel like dancing and I do feel like I just traveled the world. Haha :P
Emotionally, I’m totally fine right now. I’m not thinking about any of the crap I went through on the trip and I’m not thinking about any of the things people owe me. It’s really not worth thinking about because it just makes me mad and that doesn’t get me or anyone else anywhere. I’m not thinking about moving out—well, now I am, but it’s not bothering me—and I’m not thinking about anything else… There’s nothing else wrong right now.
I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious… haha :P that’s ironic. That’s the name of a song I love :) go look it up (FTSK)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
There's Not Much To Say...
Today is the longest day this entire vacation. My cousins left this morning. My dad came into our room—which is like the staging ground for everyone else—at like 7 in the morning and asked us if we wanted to get up and say goodbye.
No. Ha! Absolutely not. I’m tired.
Anyways… I’m not as heartless as I’m leading on. I’m just pissed at all of them.
We’ve been packing since we got back from being out of the house for a long time. We left the house at around noon and we ate at our favorite place… Serious Texas Bar-be-que! Wooot! Then we went to see Transformers 3. Dang! It was so intense. Half the movie was basically non-stop action and fighting. And one of my Hollywood husbands is in that movie: Josh Duhamel. Stinky Fergie.
And we got back around 5 in the evening and now what we’re supposed to be doing is packing. I think I’ve packed as much as I can so I’m good for now.
All of us are kind of upset. Our grandparents have had tons of visitors the entire time we’ve been here and we’re missing out on a huge tradition because their friends are coming over tonight. It’s so disappointing because I feel like I haven’t seen my grandpa all week and all I’ve done is worry about my cousins and sit around.
I’m basically ready to go home. I’m tired of being put off and not appreciated. There’s not much to say otherwise. We’ll be heading out in less than 24 hours back home.
No. Ha! Absolutely not. I’m tired.
Anyways… I’m not as heartless as I’m leading on. I’m just pissed at all of them.
We’ve been packing since we got back from being out of the house for a long time. We left the house at around noon and we ate at our favorite place… Serious Texas Bar-be-que! Wooot! Then we went to see Transformers 3. Dang! It was so intense. Half the movie was basically non-stop action and fighting. And one of my Hollywood husbands is in that movie: Josh Duhamel. Stinky Fergie.
And we got back around 5 in the evening and now what we’re supposed to be doing is packing. I think I’ve packed as much as I can so I’m good for now.
All of us are kind of upset. Our grandparents have had tons of visitors the entire time we’ve been here and we’re missing out on a huge tradition because their friends are coming over tonight. It’s so disappointing because I feel like I haven’t seen my grandpa all week and all I’ve done is worry about my cousins and sit around.
I’m basically ready to go home. I’m tired of being put off and not appreciated. There’s not much to say otherwise. We’ll be heading out in less than 24 hours back home.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Happy Birthday
It’s been three days.
A very looooooooong three days.
We’ve been camping in a small, Victorian mining town called Silverton, about an hour north of Durango where my grandparents live. Although it was overall a decent trip, my cousins made the trip hardly bearable. I really don’t like my cousins when they’re all together. They like a big group of the kind of people I really hate to be around—drinking, partying, cursing like there’s no tomorrow. It’s horrible.
And they make fun of me. They would call me gullible. I would call me trusting. I have faith that my family isn’t making terrible fun of me and isn’t lying to me. And when the tables are turned and it’s them who believe the sarcasm, no one can say shit about it.
Excuse me.
All but one is underage and two of them, Tanya and CJ drink like there’s no tomorrow. Yesterday was the 4th of July (Happy Independence Day! Happy Birthday, beautiful America) and Tanya started sippin’ some bud light by noon. By the end of the day, I swear she had over twenty cans of beer. Plus! She and CJ (who is underage) played beer pong twice in 24 hours—to the major partiers, that may not seem like a lot but I don’t know the culture and the culture is effing stupid.
Obviously, anyone can tell I’m angry about the situation. At one point, the cousins were all going to go shooting and jeeping in Jeff‘s (the oldest cousin, I think) truck. At first, I didn’t want to go and two other cousins didn’t want to go either… After about ten minutes, we were bored out of our minds and Grandpa kicked us out of the RV. We were given another chance to make a different decision because the others came back because they forgot something. The three of us went with them—they ended up going back to the store again and at that point, I was already getting really annoyed with the language and the attitude of the cousins around me.
Tanya mocked my father and me after he made it clear he did not approve of drinking and shooting. Tanya—oh my Lord, I hope she doesn’t die of a drinking problem—insisted on taking alcohol with them on the trip. She also insisted that she would be fine shooting even though she’d already been drinking long before that hour anyway! My grandpa was no help at the time of the conversation—my dad argued sobriety and my grandpa encouraged drinking and shooting. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t care if our driver drank some.
Goodness—it was horrible. I asked Tanya if she brought any and, unknown to me, she sarcastically replied, “Yeah, we bought a couple bottles of hard vodka and we’re gonna take shots before we shoot.” Surprise, shock, and anger flooded my body and it was clear in my voice, “Are you serious?” Everyone laughed at me and Tanya said, “No…” and a small smirk fell out of her dirty mouth.
I turned to my brothers, who weren’t laughing, and said, “I might leave.” They had sad eyes when I said that, but I was damn determined not to be brought down by my immature family’s lack of compassion and lack of common sense. After two more minutes of f-bombs and teasing and childish, annoying gestures, I got up and got out of the truck. I told Jeff I was leaving because I felt sick—he and Tanya are the same age and he is many years ahead of her in maturity. He understood and made sure I was okay. I made the ten minute walk back to our campsite with my head held high. Erin and Tanya yelled to me and asked why I was leaving—I laughed to myself, thinking, “Are you really that stupid?” I gave them the same lie I told Jeff and kept walking, feeling totally fine.
After I talked to my dad about all my frustrations and anger about the whole situation, he told me that, the way he saw it, I was presented with an opportunity to say no and walk away from a bad situation. And when I think about it, the second chance to go with my cousins shooting was God giving me the chance to say no. It was easy.
Tanya says she loves me so much and she’s so proud of me and then she becomes a huge bitch when she’s around other people. I hate it. I’d rather not be around her.
Turns out I had tons more fun back at the campsite with the friends there. We watched four trains pull into Silverton and even witnessed the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m not going to share it because it would only be funny if you were there. I don’t want to waste space or time.
Seeing the patriotism of the people and all the things going on in town yesterday made me so proud of my country. I am so thankful for all the America has done for me. I wasn’t there when the founding fathers risked everything for all future generations of independent thinkers and strong-minded individuals. It’s because of the men and women that fight for us then and now that I am allowed to even be saying all that I have in the last ten seconds. It’s because of them that I can love my God without persecution and I can be what I want without discrimination.
Happy Birthday, Beautiful America.
On a bit of a darker note—my grandpa has been coughing, my grandma says all week. He’s also had a shortness of breath and she’s worried. Yesterday, after she helped him lay down for a nap, she came outside with a big, alcoholic drink with tears in her eyes and the only thing I really remember her saying was, “I’m not ready.” I thought about those commercials from the American Cancer Society with everyone singing “Happy Birthday” and I can only hope that my grandpa will see that next June.
Happy Birthday, Grandpa.
This is going to be a sad year, guys.
A very looooooooong three days.
We’ve been camping in a small, Victorian mining town called Silverton, about an hour north of Durango where my grandparents live. Although it was overall a decent trip, my cousins made the trip hardly bearable. I really don’t like my cousins when they’re all together. They like a big group of the kind of people I really hate to be around—drinking, partying, cursing like there’s no tomorrow. It’s horrible.
And they make fun of me. They would call me gullible. I would call me trusting. I have faith that my family isn’t making terrible fun of me and isn’t lying to me. And when the tables are turned and it’s them who believe the sarcasm, no one can say shit about it.
Excuse me.
All but one is underage and two of them, Tanya and CJ drink like there’s no tomorrow. Yesterday was the 4th of July (Happy Independence Day! Happy Birthday, beautiful America) and Tanya started sippin’ some bud light by noon. By the end of the day, I swear she had over twenty cans of beer. Plus! She and CJ (who is underage) played beer pong twice in 24 hours—to the major partiers, that may not seem like a lot but I don’t know the culture and the culture is effing stupid.
Obviously, anyone can tell I’m angry about the situation. At one point, the cousins were all going to go shooting and jeeping in Jeff‘s (the oldest cousin, I think) truck. At first, I didn’t want to go and two other cousins didn’t want to go either… After about ten minutes, we were bored out of our minds and Grandpa kicked us out of the RV. We were given another chance to make a different decision because the others came back because they forgot something. The three of us went with them—they ended up going back to the store again and at that point, I was already getting really annoyed with the language and the attitude of the cousins around me.
Tanya mocked my father and me after he made it clear he did not approve of drinking and shooting. Tanya—oh my Lord, I hope she doesn’t die of a drinking problem—insisted on taking alcohol with them on the trip. She also insisted that she would be fine shooting even though she’d already been drinking long before that hour anyway! My grandpa was no help at the time of the conversation—my dad argued sobriety and my grandpa encouraged drinking and shooting. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t care if our driver drank some.
Goodness—it was horrible. I asked Tanya if she brought any and, unknown to me, she sarcastically replied, “Yeah, we bought a couple bottles of hard vodka and we’re gonna take shots before we shoot.” Surprise, shock, and anger flooded my body and it was clear in my voice, “Are you serious?” Everyone laughed at me and Tanya said, “No…” and a small smirk fell out of her dirty mouth.
I turned to my brothers, who weren’t laughing, and said, “I might leave.” They had sad eyes when I said that, but I was damn determined not to be brought down by my immature family’s lack of compassion and lack of common sense. After two more minutes of f-bombs and teasing and childish, annoying gestures, I got up and got out of the truck. I told Jeff I was leaving because I felt sick—he and Tanya are the same age and he is many years ahead of her in maturity. He understood and made sure I was okay. I made the ten minute walk back to our campsite with my head held high. Erin and Tanya yelled to me and asked why I was leaving—I laughed to myself, thinking, “Are you really that stupid?” I gave them the same lie I told Jeff and kept walking, feeling totally fine.
After I talked to my dad about all my frustrations and anger about the whole situation, he told me that, the way he saw it, I was presented with an opportunity to say no and walk away from a bad situation. And when I think about it, the second chance to go with my cousins shooting was God giving me the chance to say no. It was easy.
Tanya says she loves me so much and she’s so proud of me and then she becomes a huge bitch when she’s around other people. I hate it. I’d rather not be around her.
Turns out I had tons more fun back at the campsite with the friends there. We watched four trains pull into Silverton and even witnessed the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m not going to share it because it would only be funny if you were there. I don’t want to waste space or time.
Seeing the patriotism of the people and all the things going on in town yesterday made me so proud of my country. I am so thankful for all the America has done for me. I wasn’t there when the founding fathers risked everything for all future generations of independent thinkers and strong-minded individuals. It’s because of the men and women that fight for us then and now that I am allowed to even be saying all that I have in the last ten seconds. It’s because of them that I can love my God without persecution and I can be what I want without discrimination.
Happy Birthday, Beautiful America.
On a bit of a darker note—my grandpa has been coughing, my grandma says all week. He’s also had a shortness of breath and she’s worried. Yesterday, after she helped him lay down for a nap, she came outside with a big, alcoholic drink with tears in her eyes and the only thing I really remember her saying was, “I’m not ready.” I thought about those commercials from the American Cancer Society with everyone singing “Happy Birthday” and I can only hope that my grandpa will see that next June.
Happy Birthday, Grandpa.
This is going to be a sad year, guys.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Zero Energy
Today has been such a long day.
For some reason, being here in Durango makes me so tired all the time. It’s always difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning and walk around, get the blood flowing—I have practically zero energy. And since I started drinking soda again, I’m getting even more dehydrated because of the altitude.
Earlier today, it was around 1 o’clock in the afternoon and we had just eaten lunch. My dad, the boys, and I went into town (which takes about 15 minutes just to get to the edge of it) to get my bike checked out. After we figured that out, we stopped at a local, private coffee shop and I got a really sour (which, to me, means gross) lemonade smoothie. And then we started our journey back to the house and I got so incredibly tired. I basically slept on the way home and I told my dad I wanted to go bike riding with him when we got there.
He wanted a few minutes to check his email and get ready, so I went downstairs with my brothers and I closed my eyes for just a few seconds and I was out. I woke up a few times, not really knowing what time it was, got irritated by the boys and went back to sleep. I woke up who knows how much later and I checked my phone and it said 4:00. I wondered why my dad hadn’t woken me up so I planned to get up after a few more second with my eyes closed.
I slept for another 40 minutes and I dreamt that I got up and asked my dad why he hadn’t woken me up. We went on the bike ride and came home. Then I had a weird dream about a dragon… I don’t really remember much of that one.
But when I actually woke up and it was 4:38, I flipped out because I was totally confused about where I was and what was going on. I went upstairs and looked around for people and I couldn’t find anyone. That happens a lot at this house. I found my dad and I asked him why he didn’t wake me up and he said he wanted to let me sleep. I was pooped about that… I felt really bad that I didn’t stay awake to go with him.
Then I started working on this super delicious desert that I’m going to rename something other than what it’s known as: Mormon Delight. And as I start finishing it, a butt load of people show up in the kitchen—okay only 3 extra people showed up, but that meant that 10 people were stuffed into the kitchen at one point and I only knew one of the new people.
After dinner, I was getting anxious to see my cousins who were surprising my grandpa. He had no idea they were coming. The hours keep ticking by and they still weren’t there. It got dark and they still weren’t there. I’d been texting them all day checking in and making sure they were alright…
My grandma told me that she would be putting the four girls (me, Tanya, Erin, and Katie) in the motor home and CJ would be sleeping downstairs with the boys. When they got here, after a while of chatting and reminiscing, I mention that I’m excited to be in the motor home with the girls and all of them turn to each other with wide eyes and surprised expressions…
They had other plans and hadn’t spoken with Grandma. My initial reaction was that they didn’t want me there—and that sent a waterfall of self-conscious thoughts through my head…
They don’t like me. They think I’m annoying. They wish I wasn’t there…
My brain works like that. I don’t really think through what is happening in the moment and then later, somehow, it gets fixed, but those thoughts are still running through my head because it makes me think about all the other times I’ve felt isolated and unwanted. I struggle most with pride and self-esteem and this time, my self-esteem was kicked in the nuts.
Erin later explained to me why they were surprised and while I understood what she said, I also thought about how no one ever does that for me. She was worried that separating Katie and CJ would make them very uncomfortable and it would be our (I thought ‘my’) fault… I wondered if Erin thought about how uncomfortable and awkward they all made me feel when they were surprised of my expectation.
That’s what I get for having expectations.
There was just a lot of miscommunication and I still love my cousins… I’m just a little sad right now about the whole thing. I don’t really want to dwell on it but it’s still bothering me.
Maybe the weekend will bring some fun for all the cousins… I have to work hard not to let Erin and Tanya’s teasing words get to me, as they often do. I’ll get over it. At least my brothers want me :)
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