Things Don't Change Overnight, But That Was Months Ago

The Garlic Festival is looming.

Lots to do this weekend. I need to find some time to do my laundry because I’ll be off to camp on Sunday, which I am excited about. For right now, I’m just relaxing. I wish there was someone here to share the relaxing with me. I seem to have a very small pool of friends to pick from. I’m not talking to most people I know. Not on purpose, but I’m not making any effort to connect with them. It’s hard because of my serious problem with self-esteem.

I feel like no one wants to hang out with me. Even Kim. She’s my best friend and she’s not spending time with me when she has the chance. If I were my best friend and I knew I was leaving for college in two weeks with little possibility of seeing my best friend, I would make time for me. I spend so much on Kim, but not just money either. I give her my all and she gives me less than half. It’s so hard to keep up.

It really hit me last night that Kim hasn’t really changed like I thought she had. I went to Santa Cruz yesterday with a German exchange student named Clarissa and while we were downtown, I found something that I knew Kim would love. IT was very VERY glittery blue eyeliner. It probably doesn’t sound very amazing, but Kim loves that kind of stuff.

So I bought it for her, even though I have little to no money and knew I shouldn’t. I would think that speaks volumes—but not really. I dropped it off at Kim’s house last night and I said, “Hey, you should hang out with me tomorrow since I’m not doing anything.” And she said, “I don’t think I can cause Cody and I might be hanging out.” It makes me so mad and even more sad just remembering it. I asked her why she would hang out with him again (mind you, she’s spent the last week at his house) when she could spend one day with me.

For crying out loud, I’m leaving to Fresno and there’s little to no possibility that she will come visit me. She’s got the whole school year to spend with Cody and she’s got two weeks to spend with me. With all the stuff that her mom is making her do, it’s hard to get her to spend time with me anyway… And now that I think about it, it’s just so easy for her to go to Cody’s. She never surprises me or thinks of me when she wants to do something.

I hate this. I hate it so much. It’s ruining me, which is really bad. I started writing something about it. I don’t know how I feel about it:

I know things don’t change over night
But it’s been many nights since that fight
Times are changing and I’m building speed
I can’t keep slowing down cause you can’t keep up

Stay awake and keep on moving
You sleep all you can and refuse to get up
I may be tougher but my heart is still in pieces
My strength is growing and you are ruining it

I know things don’t change over night
But it’s been many nights since we shed that light
You swore things would be different but it looks like you lied
Not a surprise, to be honest, but I wished you would

Keep all your promises because I keep mine
I’m not the only one with problems, old friend
The days are numbered till my time here is gone
And you’ll regret choosing otherwise to satisfy your demise

It’s a work in progress. But it speaks what I was feeling. It’s really hard being friends with her. I feel like we have a good relationship and then she goes and does this. I feel second best. Third best. First worst.

Today is not going well for me.