Wooglepoof!

Today has sucked mostly so far. I was feeling good until after church. Before I get to the bad, I want to start off with some good. I am loving leading worship for the little kids without Alison. She’s got no spirit when it comes to these kids and I’ve always felt out of place jumping around and participating in the joy. Now I can do anything I want and it brings joy to the kids which is the whole point in worship.

For the first time in a long time I went into the big kid church :P after we were done with the little kids. It was an interesting sermon about circumcision so I wasn’t totally paying attention. But what I got from it was that not many Christians are as committed as they say they are. They want to be committed but life and human nature gets in the way.

I totally relate to that. And worship in the big church is so much more meaningful to me. I love the dancy, up beat songs and they played one today. I was probably the only one so excited to sing it. I love the words and how I feel singing it to God. It’s an amazing feeling knowing that God is hearing me, out of a crowd of a million (there aren’t a million people in my church, by the way), and is so happy to hear me, no matter how bad it was.

And as soon as the service was over, reality starts to become dark as person after person disappoints me. In a matter of minutes, I go from spiritually high to depressed beyond belief.

Let’s begin with the beginning of another sad story. I am moving to Fresno on August 19th and the only person confirmed to go with me is my dad. My mom has a conference for her new business (I say that with a sarcastic, annoyed, and spiteful tone) that she “needs” to be at. Honestly, she doesn’t need to be there. She doesn’t realize the gravity of her choice and the depth it has gone in my heart. And even though my dad is coming with me, I don’t think even he realizes what a big deal this is to me and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset only he’s going.

My brothers give me the impression that they don’t want to go. So the plan was for Kim, Soquel (another senior that’s moving on this year), and Namra (my friend from church who’s seen me grow up in the church—she’s an adult) were going to come with me and help me move in. Months ago, we all agreed on it and I told them August 19th!

I see Namra after church and I tell her that I have some information about how the timing is going to work and how she and the girls are going to have to leave at 5pm. I hardly get a word out before she says, “Ohhh…. what day is that again?” I tell her the 19th and she says, “I don’t think I can do it.” I did a horrible job at concealing my pain. Turns out she double booked that day… Sound familiar?

And I tell her it’s fine because I don’t want her to feel guilty even though I wish she did. And she tells me, “I don’t feel guilty about it. I want to go but I don’t feel guilty.” These are the last words I ever expected Namra to say to me… She’s supposed to be so forgiving and loving and compassionate and she says this bullshit to me.

I’ve never been so mad at her. I’ve never been so hurt by her. I’m still in shock about the whole thing. Since it doesn’t look like Namra can go, it’s likely that Kim won’t go and I don’t think Soquel will go without the other two.

So we’re back down to me and my dad. And at this point, I don’t want anyone else to come because I’m so afraid of someone betraying me again.

And! I planned for a few friends to go swimming at Karin’s on Wednesday. I’m taking care of her animals and she told me I am welcome to have some friends over and go swimming. I told Kim and Cody on Friday that I wanted us to hang out on Wednesday and go swimming and both were like, “Cool.”

So I remind Kim as I’m trying to keep my tears from falling in front of Namra that we’re still on for Wednesday and she says, “Wednesday? I can’t do Wednesday.” Fuck man. Excuse me. That’s really bad. But I’m not totally sorry about it. She effing sucks right now. I said, “Dude, you said it was okay on Friday.” Of course, she denied it and she acts like I’m always wrong and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can say is, “I hate you.” And as soon as it slips out, I don’t mean it. As much as I did really resent her at that point, I don’t hate her. She’s my best friend and this happens—fighting I mean. However, at this point with all the cancellations and emotional/mental attacks I’m experiencing, I’m starting to hit rock bottom. I’m getting really fed up with all this shit.

I am not a cusser. Whatsoever. But as you can see, my anger and frustration is overpowering me at the moment. I’ve never been so sad in my life.

I don’t get the chance to cry like I want to because several other people at church stop me and chat. Once I got home, I tried really hard not to bring attention to myself. I break the news to my dad and he seems unaffected by it. Now I’m not really feeling like I need to cry. About an hour goes by before my heart starts to fail again.

My dad is leaving the house and I bring up something that should have been done two years ago. Here’s another story that starts a while back—two years ago when I took my driver’s license test, my mom promised me a Jamba Juice if I passed. Of course I passed but my instructor was 45 minutes late to my appointment and I had a final that was in less than 30 minutes so my mom promised me we would do it another day.

Today should have been that day. Two years later, she still hasn’t gotten me one and today was the perfect opportunity. I’m surprised she rejected the suggestion since it meant she didn’t have to drive, didn’t have to get up or go out—my dad was heading there anyway and all she had to do was text him. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t do it and I tried really hard to explain but of course, she can’t be out-smarted by me.

Then I see her cleaning Joey’s glasses for him. That sets me off because I HATE how she babies my brothers. They are 14 years old and she still does their laundry (something I did for my self starting in seventh grade), makes their lunches (something I started doing for myself in middle school), and apparently washes their glasses (something so simple, a baby could do it).

I don’t understand at all why she does it. I fight her on it, even if both of them think I’m nuts. The point of me arguing about it is because I hate how she babies them and this is a prime example. She’s always saying, “I did that for you when you were that age.” Ha! I’ve never had her wash my glasses for me. She claimed Joey asked for it and I look at him and he says, “I asked her to show me how.” But she ended up just doing it for him.

She’s running him into the ground when she does this. Not just the glasses. I could care less about the glasses. It’s the fact that when they ask her to show them, she just does it for them. They will never learn and their future partners are going to be stuck with a couple of mama’s boys who will be living at home when they’re 50. It goes for AJ, too. Thank God he wasn’t here for the argument because he would have cut me up emotionally. He’s going to be a lot like my dad.

Then… this is the worst of this argument. It keeps going for a few more minutes as I try to make my point clearer and Joey starts fighting back at me and all I can say is, “Why does no one ever believe me?” And these telltale words will never leave me. I will be haunted by what comes out of Joey’s mouth forever, I know it. My worst fears are confirmed and my suspicions of emotional destruction begin to find the light as I hear him tell me…

“Because no one is ever on your side.”










Speechless, I am. I stare at him for a few seconds and I feel like this would be a great scene in a movie. Everything slows down and sad, dramatic music plays softly as the hero/heroine’s demons start to appear right before his/her eyes. It only lasts a few seconds at the most and my mom starts to say something but my anger is so great and my pain even greater that I nearly tell her to shut up (but the nicer “shush” comes out) and I yell that I don’t want either of them to ever talk to me again. “Don’t talk to me again!” I yell.

I slam the door and I start crying like I can’t stop—like I’m reliving my granddaddy’s death… like I’m preparing for my grandpa’s death. I feel like I just died. I’m sure to naked minds that Joey’s and my mom’s words are just wooglepoof (meaning they mean nothing) but to me, they mean everything. All these years I have suppressed the urge to confess to myself that no one is on my side and I’ve been told that I always think everyone is out to get me and never on my side… According to Joey, I was right.

Now I’m in my room, not crying anymore. I fight the desire to cut my arm out of resentment and anger but I don’t do it. I don’t do it because the only person whose opinion and feelings I care about at the moment are God’s and I know he would feel the pain just as much as I would and it would do me no good.

Thankfully, there’s a lock on my door and I will be leaving in two hours to go to a Christian concert with some adults from church. Earlier today, I was sad that none of my family was going but now I’m glad. They don’t deserve such joy.

This entry is getting long so I better cut it. But my frustration is still lingering, even though it feels really good to get it out. I know no one knows about all this because no one needs to know. Thank you, nonexistent audience for reading through. It makes me feel better knowing that at least people who don’t exist are on my side.

Or not.