Zero Energy

Today has been such a long day.

For some reason, being here in Durango makes me so tired all the time. It’s always difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning and walk around, get the blood flowing—I have practically zero energy. And since I started drinking soda again, I’m getting even more dehydrated because of the altitude.

Earlier today, it was around 1 o’clock in the afternoon and we had just eaten lunch. My dad, the boys, and I went into town (which takes about 15 minutes just to get to the edge of it) to get my bike checked out. After we figured that out, we stopped at a local, private coffee shop and I got a really sour (which, to me, means gross) lemonade smoothie. And then we started our journey back to the house and I got so incredibly tired. I basically slept on the way home and I told my dad I wanted to go bike riding with him when we got there.

He wanted a few minutes to check his email and get ready, so I went downstairs with my brothers and I closed my eyes for just a few seconds and I was out. I woke up a few times, not really knowing what time it was, got irritated by the boys and went back to sleep. I woke up who knows how much later and I checked my phone and it said 4:00. I wondered why my dad hadn’t woken me up so I planned to get up after a few more second with my eyes closed.

I slept for another 40 minutes and I dreamt that I got up and asked my dad why he hadn’t woken me up. We went on the bike ride and came home. Then I had a weird dream about a dragon… I don’t really remember much of that one.

But when I actually woke up and it was 4:38, I flipped out because I was totally confused about where I was and what was going on. I went upstairs and looked around for people and I couldn’t find anyone. That happens a lot at this house. I found my dad and I asked him why he didn’t wake me up and he said he wanted to let me sleep. I was pooped about that… I felt really bad that I didn’t stay awake to go with him.

Then I started working on this super delicious desert that I’m going to rename something other than what it’s known as: Mormon Delight. And as I start finishing it, a butt load of people show up in the kitchen—okay only 3 extra people showed up, but that meant that 10 people were stuffed into the kitchen at one point and I only knew one of the new people.

After dinner, I was getting anxious to see my cousins who were surprising my grandpa. He had no idea they were coming. The hours keep ticking by and they still weren’t there. It got dark and they still weren’t there. I’d been texting them all day checking in and making sure they were alright…

My grandma told me that she would be putting the four girls (me, Tanya, Erin, and Katie) in the motor home and CJ would be sleeping downstairs with the boys. When they got here, after a while of chatting and reminiscing, I mention that I’m excited to be in the motor home with the girls and all of them turn to each other with wide eyes and surprised expressions…

They had other plans and hadn’t spoken with Grandma. My initial reaction was that they didn’t want me there—and that sent a waterfall of self-conscious thoughts through my head…

They don’t like me. They think I’m annoying. They wish I wasn’t there…

My brain works like that. I don’t really think through what is happening in the moment and then later, somehow, it gets fixed, but those thoughts are still running through my head because it makes me think about all the other times I’ve felt isolated and unwanted. I struggle most with pride and self-esteem and this time, my self-esteem was kicked in the nuts.

Erin later explained to me why they were surprised and while I understood what she said, I also thought about how no one ever does that for me. She was worried that separating Katie and CJ would make them very uncomfortable and it would be our (I thought ‘my’) fault… I wondered if Erin thought about how uncomfortable and awkward they all made me feel when they were surprised of my expectation.

That’s what I get for having expectations.

There was just a lot of miscommunication and I still love my cousins… I’m just a little sad right now about the whole thing. I don’t really want to dwell on it but it’s still bothering me.

Maybe the weekend will bring some fun for all the cousins… I have to work hard not to let Erin and Tanya’s teasing words get to me, as they often do. I’ll get over it. At least my brothers want me :)