I Guess You Could Say...

I guess you could say I’m getting lazy. I need to post more often. I feel like I went from posting every day to every month. I’m so pooped and forgetful. I’ve heard those are symptoms of stress. What’s weird is I don’t feel stressed. I’m handling the work load fine and I’m getting sleep. Mostly.

I guess it’s coming from me bring so homesick. I am so homesick. I’m so homesick, I had to say it three times! I tell my mom all the time when we’re skyping and she always tells me I need to go tell someone so they can comfort me. I’m not sure why I don’t do that. I don’t want to tell anyone anything. It could be because I’m afraid they won’t take me seriously or they’ll hear me out and act like it never happened later. I don’t know what it is. I think I’m just really messed up.

Cause when I think about it, I get mad at them and nothing has even happened. I have a serious issue with this but I seriously don’t know how to explain it. Unfortunately, I am so self-aware that I don’t feel like I need to see professionals about anything. Oh my goodness, I can’t even explain it here! Wow. This is incredibly frustrating.

I’ll come back to that.

Mayday Parade’s new album is… a B. Yeah, that sounds about right. Their last full album was more like a C because that’s what I would give most mainstream songs. They all sound the same and the lyrics are manufactured. The first album and EP will definitely reign at the top with A’s. The new EP was between a B+ and an A-. Mostly because they did acoustic covers of their own songs and two new songs that were very creative in lyrics and music, a nice breath of fresh air from the average stuff on Anywhere But Here.

So I think my top three songs on the new self-titled (woo!) album would be Without The Bitter, The Sweet Ain’t As Sweet, A Shot Across the Bow, and No Heroes Allowed with I’d Rather Make Mistakes Than Nothing At All in a close fourth. In coming days, I’ll elaborate on each I suppose.

I started that new job I applied for. So far, it’s been good. A little confusing but definitely the right place for me. I’m very excited to get started on more projects.

Well this is goodnight. Because it’s late. Even for a Friday night.

Observation Mode

I have had a rough few nights for at least a week now. Aside from the night my friends were here, it’s been hard. Before I get to that, I’ll just say how amazing it was to see Namra and Kim. I love them both so much—and I really missed them. They brought with them that familiar touch of home. I miss Gilroy, too. Kim and Namra are so Gilroy-ish that it just makes me smile. And it was wonderful having those familiar arms around me, invested in me.

But the other nights have been nights where I cry myself to sleep, wishing I could go home. I haven’t been home in almost two months and I just need to be with my family and back at my church. I haven’t found another church to call home and I think part of the reason is because I want to be at my church. That’s not gonna happen though…

I regret telling my mom that I was resisting cutting again. She didn’t react nicely. She didn’t get mad at me either, but she didn’t help me. I said that it was taking everything in me not to do what I used to and she said, “You need to talk to somebody. That scares me.” I know she meant well, but in a delicate situation like that, the best thing to do is just to be quiet and listen. I got mad when she started saying things like, “Say you’ll go talk to someone,” or “Smile for me,” and crap. That just inflamed my irritation. It doesn’t make things any better.

I feel a little better now. I got to see this boy today that I’ve got my eye on. He’s super tall! And he’s big—not wide but he’s a football player so he’s got lots of muscle and body. If I imagined us as a couple, I could see him being a good match for me size-wise. I’m big myself, unfortunately, but when I’m next to him, I don’t feel like I’m going to swallow him up. He’s the perfect size :) and he’s really nice. He’s a good man of God and I get the idea that he could help me with my path to God. Of course, that goes both ways, too, and I would be there for him in that way as well.

I’m not at the stage where I’m completely, emotionally invested in the guy. I’m choosing to not get to that point unless something happens between us first. I’m in observation mode right now. I’m good right here.

OMG! Mayday Parade’s new album comes out tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! I pre-ordered the album yesterday so I should get it tonight! If not, oh well, I’ll get it tomorrow. I wanted to buy this big package that I saved for and when I went to purchase it, they were out of stock :( I actually cried.

Wow. That’s pathetic :P I love Mayday Parade. They are amazing!

I Really Miss Home

My bad… I didn’t realize time had gone by so fast.

So to catch up… I really miss home. Thankfully, I have my best friend and one of my youth leaders from church coming to see me this weekend. I haven’t seen or heard from any of my old friends since I was home on Labor Day weekend and even then, I only saw Kim. I’m having trouble staying friends with my friends—they don’t talk to me… They don’t reach out to me. They don’t call me. I’m just sad and I’m really happy that someone IS coming out to see me. I wish it was Friday already…

I quit the most horrible job ever! Thank goodness! Hopefully, I’ll be getting this other job that is a great opportunity to explore my major a little bit more. It’s pretty much in the bag but I don’t want to assume everything. The employer basically said I was hired but she’ll confirm with me by the end of the week.

Anyways… Grandpa is still alive, but I’m not keeping my hopes up. I don’t really know what else to do. As far as I know, he’s the same since my mom left the other day. My mom! She hurt my feelings… We were Skyping and while I was bawling my eyes out because I wanted to go home, she was reading an email! Goodness gracious! That woman drives me nuts! Seriously? My mother ignored my tears to read an email. Heartbroken I tell you. That will NOT happen to my kids, I swear!

I’ve got to get to bed. I have an early class tomorrow :P goodnight

I Wish...

I really don’t understand a lot of things. I’m just really confused and I’m not sure how to respond to anything. I need someone to tell me what the best thing to do is… I used to think letting it all out would help. That backfired in high school—bad. So bad, that I refuse to let anything out unless someone really really persists on knowing, which never happens. I’m afraid to share with anyone what’s really going on for fear of rejection or fear of boring them.

Who wants to hear my problems? And what really sucks is that when I think I’ve found someone who does want to hear, I have so much bottled up that I overflow with depressing feelings and eventually, they think I’m a bore. What do I do after that? Keep it all bottled up again… I don’t know how to explain myself. I don’t feel like I have that one person that wants (actually WANTS) to know EVERYTHING and doesn’t mind sitting there for hours while I pour my heart out and be myself.

I don’t feel like I can be myself around people. It’s like they don’t like the kind of person I am underneath. Even after high school, people are like that. I don’t want that to happen. I’m really at a loss for words right now. I can’t figure out how to say what I want to say. This is pathetic! And frustrating!

Lord, what do I do? If you’re speaking, I can’t hear you. I wish I knew how to fix that. I wish I could just be with you always and not be so filled up with my frustration and responsibilities. I wish I could just sit in your presence all the time and listen to how you’ve worked in others’ lives and listen to what they’re saying to me. God just grant me wisdom to understand the difference between negative and positive. My senses are so clouded right now, I don’t know right from wrong. Help me out please.

Transitions

So I’m officially 18 years old which would have been more exciting if not for the fact that my mom called me and told me my grandpa had given up fighting his sickness. Hospice has come in to help his… “transition” more comfortable.

The last two days have been filled with tears and avoiding eye contact with the girls I live with. I’ve been working on homework and somehow, it was planned somewhere in the divine dimension that my homework would require reflection on the current situation. Bleh.

I’m angry about it because my mom gets to spend however long he has left with him. It’s expected that he has days left if not hours. I really want to speak to him, but I haven’t been able to get ahold of him. This is totally lame.

RRRRG.

First Day of School!

Okay, so college is going sort of well. I definitely don’t like my roommates very much, especially (for the sake of anonymity) Stinky. It’s not because she’s mean or rude, it’s just cause both of them are Hispanic so I’m completely outnumbered and they have conversations in Spanish and they hang out with other people. I’m not included. To be honest, I don’t want them to try to include me because they wouldn’t talk to me anyway. They’re just not going to be friends with me. Oh well.

First day of school! First day of school! I’ve only had one so far and it wasn’t even on my schedule. I’m trying to add it this semester so that I won’t have to take it next semester. It’s so confusing—we’re supposed to get our classes “approved” by an advisor but I get the feeling, even considering I’m way ahead in my program and very experienced at the college level, my advisor doesn’t think I can handle what I know I can handle. Bleh. Who knows if she’ll “let” me?

And my JCC teacher looks like Mr. Schuster from Glee!!!! How awesome is that!? He’s very cute and he’s very married. He’s fun too; he makes us all laugh probably because we’re part of the same generation time period. If that makes any sense.

I got another job, too! So exciting. I feel really secure with money—well, I will once I get paid. I have 18.5 hours a week which means…like $132 a week which means $528 a month! Wooooo!!! Thank you God!!

All Moved In

I’m all moved in and have been super busy with all the orientation stuff. Well, new-student orientation hasn’t even started yet. I’ve had president’s scholars orientation since I got here.

The first thing we did was go to Hume Lake. I’d never been before so I’m sad to say that I did not enjoy it very much. I felt uncomfortable and awkward since I knew NO ONE and I didn’t know where anything was. The campus is huge, mind you.

The best part about that whole weekend was the lake. That lake was amazing. I actually went kayaking for the first time up there and it was the most incredible experience I’ve ever had. I definitely plan to go back soon and kayak some more. I think going back, I’ll have a different attitude since this time I wasn’t very focused on God. I think being so self-conscious and quiet totally drew me away from God.

Honestly, when I think about it, if I continued to ignore God even in the midst of his most amazing ideas, it’s an empty life. Like, literally, there was nothing I looked forward to and no one I wanted to talk to. That isn’t God, and I know it.

Anyways, we toured Fresno Tuesday and Wednesday. It was incredible. I’d never been so heartbroken in my life. I saw hundreds and hundreds of tents—not even… they were ripped and half built—on the sides of roads as well as whole families of up to ten living in little garden sheds. How?

We visited the community food bank and experienced a simulation of being in a situation when you don’t have enough money to feed a family. That was eye opening and almost anger-instilling to learn that the government turns away people in need. My group’s family was surviving on $3 a day for food for two people. The “government” (the simulation) denied us food stamps and said that our income was too high. While I know it wasn’t the lady running the workshop’s fault, it made me realize that the government actually does that.

We also had a service project, which was also very awesome. We went to a local park, Holmes Park, and cleaned it up as completely as we could. We wiped off almost all the graffiti from the signs, the playground, the amphitheater, the courts— you name it. We picked up all the litter and removed all the excess greenery that was more brown.

I met five wonderful young children. The oldest’s name was Adrian and after him came Adriana, Francisco, Ariseli, and Adolfo. I think there was even one more but he was an infant and Adolfo was 2. Both Arian and Francisco came right up to me, one 9 the other 7, and asked me what I was doing and why I was doing it. I tried my best to explain that there are people in this world that don’t understand the importance of these parks for little tykes like themselves.

They both told me they thought it was horrible that people came in here and wrote bad things everywhere. Francisco told me that whoever wrote those things definitely wasn’t getting presents from Santa Claus. They all worked hard along side the 30 or so of us and I was so proud of them. We did a great job.

And the last day and a half, I’ve been doing nothing. We’ve had the last 36 hours off which have been such a nice break from all the traveling. I’ve painted several nails and hung out with different people a few times. I watched Pride and Prejudice for the first time and I didn’t understand almost a single word. I’ll need to rewatch it with subtitles.

The roommates are coming back tomorrow. I’ll have to explain that some other time. It’s late and I’m tired.

I Guess This Has Been Bothering Me

Today was a long day and it’s been a long week but now it feels like the week just flew by. I’ve yet to finish packing and I’ve yet to come to terms with the idea of leaving. I said goodbye to my mom last night since she left for Minnesota this morning. I cried a lot. My face was terrifying when I got up to wash my face. I’m really going to miss her.

Two days and counting. The time is coming and I’m going to have to let go of my home. I feel good because I got a job so I feel secure with that for right now. I’m nervous, though, about being away from home, despite my security in that.

I’m most afraid of my roommates. I’m afraid they aren’t going to like me. I realized the other day that it’s been awhile since I’ve cared if new people are going to like me. That realization led to another realization: that you know you’ve changed when the things that used to bring you down are starting to knock you down. I have to be very aware of my emotions because if I’m not careful, I’ll go back down that road I struggled for two years to get off of and I definitely don’t want that.

I guess this has been bothering me more now because I have to live with these girls for a year. I’m just nervous that we aren’t going to get along. Both of them are super skinny and super gorgeous. I’m neither of those things, especially not skinny. They also seem like total girly girls so I’m nervous about that too. I’m not going to be one of those girls that tries to be boyish on purpose and talk about it. That’s just desperate. But I’m not girly, and I’m not a boy either. I have to find some middle ground.

Speaking of which, I just decided to forgive Poopie and Poop. Yesterday, I was chatting with both and I realized that I’ve missed them, despite their stupidity. Ha, that’s kind of mean. I should take some blame, too, since I never confronted them nor did I confront myself. Anyway, they don’t know about me being mad at them, thus they don’t know that I’ve forgiven them. I feel like a load was lifted because I forgave them and I’ve let go of what it is that bothers me most about them. I don’t expect to be seeing them much while I’m at school so I won’t have to face them too much, but I won’t have to resent them anymore.

Being mad at people and holding grudges against them is exhausting. Don’t do it.

One Week To Go

Today was the boys’ first day of high school. They are going to my old place which is super cool. I’m so proud of them and it makes me happy that they are aiming for the same things that I did. For the record, I made sure they weren’t pressured into going to GECA. I know that GECA isn’t much of a social or athletic school, but it’s a great place to be a part of a community in which other people actually care about you. There’s hardly any bulliying—if there is, it’s among the freshmen since they’re fresh out of middle school and their view of high school is different than the way it really is.

The freshmen try to be a part of a food chain because that’s how TV portrays it. Much to their dismay, there isn’t much of a food chain. There is a lot of spirit, especially for classes. The people of their class love to be spirited :P I hope that the boys find it enjoyable as I did.

Truth be told, I really do miss GECA. Many of my old classmates (those that are 2011 graduates and part of the first class to graduate GECA) would argue that GECA ruined their lives. I think that makes them selfish and ungrateful. GECA gave them an amazing opportunity, no matter how stupid the teachers and faculty may have gotten. It’s their own fault if they didn’t take advantage of all their resources. I would not be who I am and I would not be where I am today without GECA.

So you all stink if you think GECA stinks.

Anyways, one week to go and I’m out of Gilroy. With all intentions of not returning full time. I have one more week of childhood left in me. It makes me want to cry. A couple of people this week have moved me to tears because they say they’re going to miss me so much. That makes me feel loved but it also makes me sad because I feel guilty for leaving.

Okay, guilty is a strong word. I don’t feel guilty but I do feel like I’m needed there. Oh well, I guess—it’s something everyone does. Leave. It’s not like I’m never coming back, but I’m not staying for good.

This is the first of the next week of goodbyes

Ponderosa Lodge

Ponderosa Lodge.

This place is incredible. For years and years, the people at Mount Hermon work together to create a nurturing and diverse Christian community for students and adults alike to come together and dive into the Word of God and His presence. It’s because of Mount Hermon programs that I am the believer that I am today.

Christianity has been defined as many things. Some say hypocrites. Some say extremists. Some say goodie-two shoes. For me, Christianity has been defined as a relationship with the Creator of the universe and the God that “the waves and wind obey,” not a religion with a list of rules and regulations that I have to follow in order to please a deity that may or may not punish me.

It is because of Mount Hermon programs, mostly Ponderosa Lodge, that I have developed this definition. I have learned in my eleven years attending Mount Hermon camps that God is not about making us do things or punishing us when we are wrong—which is quite often. God is loving while powerful. God is compassionate while jealous. God is giving while just. God is everything.

This past year, I attended my last program as a camper. Before last summer’s week at Pondy, I was sleepwalking. I’ve grown up in a Christian home and I’ve been taught all the lines and all the answers. I wasn’t really living as a true believer, but more so a nominal, typical “Christian.” I didn’t understand the gravity of decisions I’d made and thoughts I’d had and people I’d hung around.

Basically, I wasn’t living a godly life. I didn’t really accept all the things that God commanded and said. I didn’t understand that the Bible is the Truth and that is final. There’s nothing I can do about that. Before last summer, I was much more liberal and less in tune with the Holy Spirit. I didn’t read the Bible very often (in fact, I resented the Bible), nor did I pray (at all, almost). I watched things I shouldn’t have watched and read things I shouldn’t have. I indulged in the Devil’s delights more than I care to remember.

The Devil spoiled my thoughts and my feelings often and I didn’t turn to God in those times of need. I never actually rejected Him, but I certainly did not reach out to Him. I would look in the mirror and be so completely repulsed by the reflection. I would see pictures of me and be physically sick. I resorted to drastic, depressing (not to mention temporary) solutions that ended up drawing me even closer to the clutches of Satan.

All the while, I was attending church, leading worship for elementary- and high school-aged kids on Sundays and Wednesdays. I participated in church functions and invited people to youth group. I guess you could say I was a stereotypical Christian for a while, my hypocrisy and defiance was so insane, it’s scary just thinking about it.

Ponderosa Lodge—2010.

This place is life-changing. I came to camp last year expecting to be let down by people and not be included, which is exactly what happened. I had thoughts that people didn’t want me around and were annoyed by me. I let that get the better of me and it showed. People avoided me because I was completely shut off and unwilling to be moved. It wasn’t until Wednesday night, D.O.S. night (discipline of silence) that things turned around. After ten years of lying and crying, complaining and hating, God washed over me in one small motion, but a huge movement occurred within me.

A counselor, Elicia Turner, someone I didn’t even know, turned around and saw me sitting in the back of the theatre. She whispered something to the girl next to her and she came and sat next to me. She put her arm around me and just started praying. Out of nowhere, I felt the presence of something bright and full of love rather than the presence of self-hatred and despise. I was crying before I knew it and I was truly feeling the love of God and His Holy Spirit moving in the crowd and in me.

The next year was full of brighter days and happier times. I flushed out all the crap that was in my life—the TV shows and internet videos I watched that contained some sexual content, the books and thoughts that had similar characteristics. I stopped seeking out people that brought me down and stopped wishing I were dead. I began to pray so much more and found that God was paying attention the whole time, crying over the crap I put myself through. He was there, carrying me when I thought I was falling.

Youth group and Sunday mornings were completely different as well. My experience as a worship leader was greatly strengthened after that week. I took more interest in the songs I picked out and how we portrayed the meaning. Being a worship leader can be hard work, especially if you don’t believe in God, or at least, in my case, if you don’t sing for the right reasons. I became more concerned about how the kids, both young and old, were receiving the example I was setting, and about remembering that leading worship isn’t about the leader—it’s about the prayer, the story, the plea to God. It’s about God.

I know it sounds really poetic, but it’s all the truth. Before that night, when I couldn’t see what was in front of me, I flipped out. Now, when I don’t know what’s coming, I’ve learned to just close my eyes and face it straight on because I know God wouldn’t send harm my way. If harm were coming, I know God is standing between that force and me.

Ponderosa Lodge—2011.

This place is a reminder. Life has been different and the camp high everyone leaves with was with me the whole time. Even after a year, I was still on it. Of course, there were many bumps and detours that took some redirecting, but just because God was a more prominent part of my life didn’t mean life was going to be easier. It’s like taking a shower—just because you take one in the morning doesn’t mean you won’t get dirty during the day.

That’s a weird analogy.

Just last week, I was back and I was all the more excited about it. For the first time, I wasn’t worried about whether people would accept me. I wasn’t thinking that they didn’t want me around. I wasn’t having self-hating thoughts and condemning thoughts about others—God’s grace and love overflows within me, so I didn’t need the others to satisfy that hole.

Worship was totally different—it was heartfelt and it wasn’t just me singing along to some cool tunes and with some cute boys. It was about God and what He’s done for me. It was about the fact that my life was dead to the world and me. But because of Jesus’s sacrifice, God was able to bring me back and make me new. Every song was a story of how I’d been released from the clutches of dark feelings and dark thoughts. Every song was a plea to my heavenly father for His forgiveness and His love. I had no desire to beg for attention or show off at all. I just wanted what God wanted for me.

That was a cool feeling, too, because I was able to come to camp completely open and ready to do whatever God wanted for me. I conquered a few fears and learned about opportunities for me to work there. I discovered a new calling—I already knew I wanted to work there, but it wasn’t as strong a feeling as it was when I was there this week. I conquered the high ropes course, doing things I honestly don’t want to do again but am glad I did them once. I feel closer to God because of it.

Ponderosa Lodge.

This place is a haven. There’s nothing quite like being at Pondy. It’s a complete submerging into the presence of the Holy Spirit. It’s a place that offers so much time to be with God and grow in him with fellow Christians. It’s because of Pondy and the work that God does there that I am confident in my faith and sure of the truth.

This place is safe. My heart is secure in the Lord because of the people He surrounded me with there. Those people have helped me keep my camp high moving and getting better. I have to thank my counselor from last week, Kaela Hoch, for her grace and her love. Through that, I see God’s grace and God’s love. She has taught me many things. And to my cabin full of women after God’s own heart, thank you.

This place is moving with the Holy Spirit.

This place is home.

The Days Are Numbered

It’s been awhile but I have good reasons! I went to Pondy this week and it was absolutely amazing. More to come on that, though. I’ll be getting on writing a longer blog entry about what I learned that week. It was such a great week.

In other news, the days are numbered and I’m getting ready to move out. I’m so excited but I’m super nervous. I’m afraid my roommate won’t like me… And I hope I’ll be getting a mailbox, too.

Oh well, I’m distracted right now because I’m watching SYTYCD <3

Things Don't Change Overnight, But That Was Months Ago

The Garlic Festival is looming.

Lots to do this weekend. I need to find some time to do my laundry because I’ll be off to camp on Sunday, which I am excited about. For right now, I’m just relaxing. I wish there was someone here to share the relaxing with me. I seem to have a very small pool of friends to pick from. I’m not talking to most people I know. Not on purpose, but I’m not making any effort to connect with them. It’s hard because of my serious problem with self-esteem.

I feel like no one wants to hang out with me. Even Kim. She’s my best friend and she’s not spending time with me when she has the chance. If I were my best friend and I knew I was leaving for college in two weeks with little possibility of seeing my best friend, I would make time for me. I spend so much on Kim, but not just money either. I give her my all and she gives me less than half. It’s so hard to keep up.

It really hit me last night that Kim hasn’t really changed like I thought she had. I went to Santa Cruz yesterday with a German exchange student named Clarissa and while we were downtown, I found something that I knew Kim would love. IT was very VERY glittery blue eyeliner. It probably doesn’t sound very amazing, but Kim loves that kind of stuff.

So I bought it for her, even though I have little to no money and knew I shouldn’t. I would think that speaks volumes—but not really. I dropped it off at Kim’s house last night and I said, “Hey, you should hang out with me tomorrow since I’m not doing anything.” And she said, “I don’t think I can cause Cody and I might be hanging out.” It makes me so mad and even more sad just remembering it. I asked her why she would hang out with him again (mind you, she’s spent the last week at his house) when she could spend one day with me.

For crying out loud, I’m leaving to Fresno and there’s little to no possibility that she will come visit me. She’s got the whole school year to spend with Cody and she’s got two weeks to spend with me. With all the stuff that her mom is making her do, it’s hard to get her to spend time with me anyway… And now that I think about it, it’s just so easy for her to go to Cody’s. She never surprises me or thinks of me when she wants to do something.

I hate this. I hate it so much. It’s ruining me, which is really bad. I started writing something about it. I don’t know how I feel about it:

I know things don’t change over night
But it’s been many nights since that fight
Times are changing and I’m building speed
I can’t keep slowing down cause you can’t keep up

Stay awake and keep on moving
You sleep all you can and refuse to get up
I may be tougher but my heart is still in pieces
My strength is growing and you are ruining it

I know things don’t change over night
But it’s been many nights since we shed that light
You swore things would be different but it looks like you lied
Not a surprise, to be honest, but I wished you would

Keep all your promises because I keep mine
I’m not the only one with problems, old friend
The days are numbered till my time here is gone
And you’ll regret choosing otherwise to satisfy your demise

It’s a work in progress. But it speaks what I was feeling. It’s really hard being friends with her. I feel like we have a good relationship and then she goes and does this. I feel second best. Third best. First worst.

Today is not going well for me.

You Don't Mess With Your Friends' Older Sister

All this boredom and no plans is really affecting me. I can never seem to remember what the date is or what day of the week it is. And! I’m losing my mind because I feel like I really should be doing something during the day other than just sitting and watching TV. My dad’s not home during the day, so I can’t hang out with him. My mom won’t do anything active and my brothers are always playing video games and hanging out with their immature friends.

My brothers have some friends that I really don’t like, especially one in particular. Most of their friends are younger than them, so that means middle school kids—who annoy me! Besides my own torment from when I was in middle school, I’ve seen the emotional destruction they can cause and the disrespect they can emanate. I’ve seen this at our church’s youth group, JAM. The few times I’ve been, I’ve always been so ticked off by the amount of noise they create and the strength I see Namra, their youth leader, desperately praying for to not scream at them.

It’s impossible.

Anyway, so this one friend, Josh, is a total jerk. Several times, he’s dared to make fun of me—I am waaaay older than him AND I am his friends’ older sister… There’s got to be a rule somewhere—you don’t mess with your friends’ older sister. If there isn’t, I’m making it one right now!

He has teased me about my weight and about my interest in some TV shows. He’s made fun of other kids that are smaller and younger than him AND he’s messed with my own brothers, his own friends. AJ and Joey tell me that more often than not, he walks into their room with his middle finger in their faces for no reason! It drives me mad!

*Note: I’m trying to be British. Lol :P*

By the way, Josh, you don’t get girls to like you by being mean to them. (I swear, he had the fattiest crush on me when he was a little younger…)

I don’t really remember why I’m complaining about this… Anyways… Today was very good. I felt loved today by Kim. She probably doesn’t realize how much it means to me but she texted me and asked if we could hang out. Usually, I’m the one that has to initiate things so when the tables are turned, I find joy and comfort in the fact that they have reached out to me. It makes me feel wanted because Satan is always trying to turn my attention on the negative, extraneous thoughts that cause my self-esteem to plummet.

I got to see two great movies today, so that was fun. I went to someone’s going away party and right after that I went to the movies and saw Cars 2 which I loved! And at 11:30, my brothers, my dad, and I saw Captain America. We would be considered the first people in Gilroy to see that movie and it was great as well!

Oh my goodness… Another code brown today. And I stepped in it. I opened the door and didn’t even notice the pile of poop on the floor. I was mostly concerned about not letting Mollie out of the house. She’s fast and annoying. Anyway, I open the door and step in quickly without looking at the ground and I slip just a little. As soon as I close the door, I look down and there is a flattened brown… thing and part of it is on the bottom of my shoe.

Ew.

Plus! There’re a few puddles of diarrhea lying around and I have to clean those up too. I really hope, whoever it is, isn’t sick. Well, that took me an extra ten minutes. Karin doesn’t have paper towels so I’ve been using butt loads of toilet paper. It’s really gross, let me tell you. Actually, I’ll spare the rest of the details. It’s bad.

So now I’m trying to get this weird pain in my back to go away. I feel it sometimes when I’m sitting down late at night and not really doing anything. And my skin has been so itchy since we got back from Colorado, which has been two weeks. It’s not as extreme as it was the first few days but it is still here and it’s getting really annoying.

And I’ve noticed some red splotches right under my left eye. I thought it was just some acne at first but it’s been there for a week so I’m keeping my eye on it—my other eye lol :P

Get it? Get it? No? Lame.

Stupid foot is itchy!

Grrrf!

So the last three days have been hectic almost. It feels like they’ve been hectic. I’ve been going so many places and spending way too much money… After my emotional breakdown on Sunday, I went to a Christian concert and it was great! It was actually kind of short, which I wasn’t expecting. I wish I knew more of the songs they played. I didn’t know most of them. I knew a few words to maybe one song and that was about it. However, I did get all of the band’s CD’s. I think… I have five of I don’t know how many MercyMe CD’s.

Monday was sort of chill. All I can remember doing that day was going over to Karin’s house for some more instructions on taking care of all of her pets. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already, but she has four cats (three adults, one kitten), a hairless rat with “head-tilt disease,” two quails (Romeo and Juliet), a bunny, a guinea pig, and two dogs (who are quite large). So I’ve got my work cut out for me. Last night was the first night I checked up on the animals and one of the cats, either Salem or Mollie, had an… accident… Let’s just say I had to call a code brown!

I’ve been going swimming a lot, too, since the Clements have been gone (that’s Karin’s family). They have a lovely pool and it’s so nice to go swimming in this crazy heat in the bay area of California. It’s super hot during the day and then it gets rather chilly in the evening and definitely at night.

Yesterday, though, was super amazing. I went with Kim and her family to Fresno so that I could show them my school. They happened to be dropping off their cousin, who lives in Fresno, so they suggested I come with them and check out the school.

Up until yesterday afternoon, I had never seen much of FPU. It’s ironic how I will be attending but I’ve never had a full campus tour. So dorm shopping has been sort of risky because I hadn’t seen what the dorms look like nor was there much information online. Kim’s mom, Marlene, told me to find someone and ask about the dorms. We happened across the student life office and so we started asking some questions and turns out… We got a tour!

I got to go see the freshmen dorms and get some of my questions answered—not to mention our tour guide, Allan, was rather cute. I even got to see the sophomore dorms, too, which are a little different.

So it looks like I’ll be sharing a room with two other ladies and we get our own bathroom. It’s actually really cool! The room is spacious, even with three people in it. Each of us gets a bed, desk, and closet. I’m so excited!

While I’m still sad about just me and my dad going to the send off service on the 19th, I am a little bit lifted up now because my dad recognized how hard I was taking it and he told me he wanted to throw me a going-away party the night before. I feel so much better even though I still really wanted others to be there the next day. My mom still isn’t going to be in town for my going-away party so I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. There’s nothing I can say or do that’s going to change her mind so it’s not really worth thinking about.

I’ve been working on that song, “A Thousand More,” that I posted a long time ago and it’s not working! I’m getting frustrated because I’m struggling to find the right music for the words. I’m so much better at putting music to words than I am at putting words to music. On top of that, my singing isn’t great so that’s throwing me off as well. Grrrf.

I'm going to start adding a new song every week :) i discovered how to do it so I'm going to do it now. lol :) should be fun! This week's is Amber Lynn by Mayday Parade.

Alright I’m signing off now!

Wooglepoof!

Today has sucked mostly so far. I was feeling good until after church. Before I get to the bad, I want to start off with some good. I am loving leading worship for the little kids without Alison. She’s got no spirit when it comes to these kids and I’ve always felt out of place jumping around and participating in the joy. Now I can do anything I want and it brings joy to the kids which is the whole point in worship.

For the first time in a long time I went into the big kid church :P after we were done with the little kids. It was an interesting sermon about circumcision so I wasn’t totally paying attention. But what I got from it was that not many Christians are as committed as they say they are. They want to be committed but life and human nature gets in the way.

I totally relate to that. And worship in the big church is so much more meaningful to me. I love the dancy, up beat songs and they played one today. I was probably the only one so excited to sing it. I love the words and how I feel singing it to God. It’s an amazing feeling knowing that God is hearing me, out of a crowd of a million (there aren’t a million people in my church, by the way), and is so happy to hear me, no matter how bad it was.

And as soon as the service was over, reality starts to become dark as person after person disappoints me. In a matter of minutes, I go from spiritually high to depressed beyond belief.

Let’s begin with the beginning of another sad story. I am moving to Fresno on August 19th and the only person confirmed to go with me is my dad. My mom has a conference for her new business (I say that with a sarcastic, annoyed, and spiteful tone) that she “needs” to be at. Honestly, she doesn’t need to be there. She doesn’t realize the gravity of her choice and the depth it has gone in my heart. And even though my dad is coming with me, I don’t think even he realizes what a big deal this is to me and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset only he’s going.

My brothers give me the impression that they don’t want to go. So the plan was for Kim, Soquel (another senior that’s moving on this year), and Namra (my friend from church who’s seen me grow up in the church—she’s an adult) were going to come with me and help me move in. Months ago, we all agreed on it and I told them August 19th!

I see Namra after church and I tell her that I have some information about how the timing is going to work and how she and the girls are going to have to leave at 5pm. I hardly get a word out before she says, “Ohhh…. what day is that again?” I tell her the 19th and she says, “I don’t think I can do it.” I did a horrible job at concealing my pain. Turns out she double booked that day… Sound familiar?

And I tell her it’s fine because I don’t want her to feel guilty even though I wish she did. And she tells me, “I don’t feel guilty about it. I want to go but I don’t feel guilty.” These are the last words I ever expected Namra to say to me… She’s supposed to be so forgiving and loving and compassionate and she says this bullshit to me.

I’ve never been so mad at her. I’ve never been so hurt by her. I’m still in shock about the whole thing. Since it doesn’t look like Namra can go, it’s likely that Kim won’t go and I don’t think Soquel will go without the other two.

So we’re back down to me and my dad. And at this point, I don’t want anyone else to come because I’m so afraid of someone betraying me again.

And! I planned for a few friends to go swimming at Karin’s on Wednesday. I’m taking care of her animals and she told me I am welcome to have some friends over and go swimming. I told Kim and Cody on Friday that I wanted us to hang out on Wednesday and go swimming and both were like, “Cool.”

So I remind Kim as I’m trying to keep my tears from falling in front of Namra that we’re still on for Wednesday and she says, “Wednesday? I can’t do Wednesday.” Fuck man. Excuse me. That’s really bad. But I’m not totally sorry about it. She effing sucks right now. I said, “Dude, you said it was okay on Friday.” Of course, she denied it and she acts like I’m always wrong and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can say is, “I hate you.” And as soon as it slips out, I don’t mean it. As much as I did really resent her at that point, I don’t hate her. She’s my best friend and this happens—fighting I mean. However, at this point with all the cancellations and emotional/mental attacks I’m experiencing, I’m starting to hit rock bottom. I’m getting really fed up with all this shit.

I am not a cusser. Whatsoever. But as you can see, my anger and frustration is overpowering me at the moment. I’ve never been so sad in my life.

I don’t get the chance to cry like I want to because several other people at church stop me and chat. Once I got home, I tried really hard not to bring attention to myself. I break the news to my dad and he seems unaffected by it. Now I’m not really feeling like I need to cry. About an hour goes by before my heart starts to fail again.

My dad is leaving the house and I bring up something that should have been done two years ago. Here’s another story that starts a while back—two years ago when I took my driver’s license test, my mom promised me a Jamba Juice if I passed. Of course I passed but my instructor was 45 minutes late to my appointment and I had a final that was in less than 30 minutes so my mom promised me we would do it another day.

Today should have been that day. Two years later, she still hasn’t gotten me one and today was the perfect opportunity. I’m surprised she rejected the suggestion since it meant she didn’t have to drive, didn’t have to get up or go out—my dad was heading there anyway and all she had to do was text him. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t do it and I tried really hard to explain but of course, she can’t be out-smarted by me.

Then I see her cleaning Joey’s glasses for him. That sets me off because I HATE how she babies my brothers. They are 14 years old and she still does their laundry (something I did for my self starting in seventh grade), makes their lunches (something I started doing for myself in middle school), and apparently washes their glasses (something so simple, a baby could do it).

I don’t understand at all why she does it. I fight her on it, even if both of them think I’m nuts. The point of me arguing about it is because I hate how she babies them and this is a prime example. She’s always saying, “I did that for you when you were that age.” Ha! I’ve never had her wash my glasses for me. She claimed Joey asked for it and I look at him and he says, “I asked her to show me how.” But she ended up just doing it for him.

She’s running him into the ground when she does this. Not just the glasses. I could care less about the glasses. It’s the fact that when they ask her to show them, she just does it for them. They will never learn and their future partners are going to be stuck with a couple of mama’s boys who will be living at home when they’re 50. It goes for AJ, too. Thank God he wasn’t here for the argument because he would have cut me up emotionally. He’s going to be a lot like my dad.

Then… this is the worst of this argument. It keeps going for a few more minutes as I try to make my point clearer and Joey starts fighting back at me and all I can say is, “Why does no one ever believe me?” And these telltale words will never leave me. I will be haunted by what comes out of Joey’s mouth forever, I know it. My worst fears are confirmed and my suspicions of emotional destruction begin to find the light as I hear him tell me…

“Because no one is ever on your side.”










Speechless, I am. I stare at him for a few seconds and I feel like this would be a great scene in a movie. Everything slows down and sad, dramatic music plays softly as the hero/heroine’s demons start to appear right before his/her eyes. It only lasts a few seconds at the most and my mom starts to say something but my anger is so great and my pain even greater that I nearly tell her to shut up (but the nicer “shush” comes out) and I yell that I don’t want either of them to ever talk to me again. “Don’t talk to me again!” I yell.

I slam the door and I start crying like I can’t stop—like I’m reliving my granddaddy’s death… like I’m preparing for my grandpa’s death. I feel like I just died. I’m sure to naked minds that Joey’s and my mom’s words are just wooglepoof (meaning they mean nothing) but to me, they mean everything. All these years I have suppressed the urge to confess to myself that no one is on my side and I’ve been told that I always think everyone is out to get me and never on my side… According to Joey, I was right.

Now I’m in my room, not crying anymore. I fight the desire to cut my arm out of resentment and anger but I don’t do it. I don’t do it because the only person whose opinion and feelings I care about at the moment are God’s and I know he would feel the pain just as much as I would and it would do me no good.

Thankfully, there’s a lock on my door and I will be leaving in two hours to go to a Christian concert with some adults from church. Earlier today, I was sad that none of my family was going but now I’m glad. They don’t deserve such joy.

This entry is getting long so I better cut it. But my frustration is still lingering, even though it feels really good to get it out. I know no one knows about all this because no one needs to know. Thank you, nonexistent audience for reading through. It makes me feel better knowing that at least people who don’t exist are on my side.

Or not.

Harry Potter! :(

There are days when I think that my life will be over when something like Harry Potter ends.

Then there are days—usually the same ones—when I realize that Harry Potter, while majorly awesome the journey was, needed to end (just like Lost, lol :P). For the record, I was never a die-hard fan like so many people. My mom read the first book to me many years ago and I hardly remember any of it. She even started reading the second one to me but I remember falling asleep while she was reading once, and she never read it to me again. Nor did I start reading it myself.

And I don’t want to. Not right now, at least. I have a pride problem and I pride myself on not being a die hard fan of any books. I also am proud of the fact that I haven’t read the books. Basically, I will not conform. The Harry Potter culture is so exclusive and I hate when people are exclusive. So after the hype dies down a lot—maybe in the coming years—I’ll consider reading it so that I know the reason I’m reading it is because I want to read it, not because someone else wants me to read it or because I want to fit in.

If I feel like someone or something wants me to fit in or I feel like I have to fit in in order to be accepted, then something is wrong. No one should feel like who they are isn’t good enough. Don’t get me wrong, everyone struggles with judgment, especially me, but I think because I know it’s something I struggle with, I’m the best at calling myself out and correcting the attitude. I’ll say it again: no one should feel like who they are, what they think, what they feel, what they believe, isn’t good enough for others.

That’s why it irritates me so much when my family acts like that. When they say things about others and make decisions based on prejudices and preconceived notions, I get upset because I think, “Well how do you think that makes the other people feel? Do you even consider what your actions are saying to those people?” Obviously not. I wish more people were considerate, more attentive to the details in their own lives so they could see what it’s doing to others.

Maybe that’s why I’m so upset and frustrated and on edge all the time—maybe being so attentive is not so good. I’m always worried about what I’m saying—how I’m saying it—and how other people are taking it in. I’m always correcting myself and making sure I’m very clear as to how I feel but without hurting someone else or confusing them. I am so keen about these things that when the tables are turned, I’m the one that gets hurt and I wonder why no one else thinks like I do. No one else does.

I’m so serious. No one else.

I went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk yesterday with Kim and Cody. Cody and I have a weird history but it’s definitely not awkward between me and him anymore nor is it uncomfortable to hang out with him. I hardly ever think about my time with him. But Kim and Cody have really weird history, especially on Kim’s side. She has been into him since I was into him but the difference between me and her is that I’m over it, especially since he claims that he’s gay. Secondly! She has a boyfriend and she continues to flirt with him and spend intimate time with him.

It boggles my mind how strange and wrong her behavior is. I have yet to confront her. I don’t really know how but I think I can do it. I don’t know if I really should but when it comes to times like yesterday when I am put into the environment where I am being pushed (literally) out of the way so that she can be near someone that is so not interested in her, I need to say something. It’s for my own emotional health and my own mental stability.

That’s something that I’m learning to do now, too—standing up for myself and stopping the madness before it drives me mad. That’s a new term I’ve developed from 72 hours of Harry Potter madness—there it is again. Ha!

Cake Boss!

This has been a couple of disappointing days, filled with some tears and some personal battles with inner demons. It was agreed several weeks ago that my family would be getting to see the new Harry Potter movie two days in advance. Our friend, Alison, works at the local movie theatre, and she gets three extra tickets to see any movie a day in advance of the first showing. In addition, her daughter works there too, so our whole family was invited to see the movie.

Lo and behold, a few days ago, I see a post on her Facebook that her friends from high school were going to see the movie with her. My heart dropped. I was so upset and most people would be mad at me if they knew how upset I was. I felt so horrible because no one ever acknowledges my anger or my sadness and takes it seriously.

I was mostly mad because I really wanted to go see the movie before everyone else out of spite because my “friends,” Poop and Poopie, have had an exclusive Harry Potter party for the last several years that I was never included in, no matter how hard I tried. They’ve cancelled on me for each other and they’ve excluded me, and many others, from their midnight showing groups.

Bottom line, they stink. And I really wanted to have this over them, be able to see it before them and not invite them. Actually I did invite Poop to go see the show with me but she double booked over me and chose them over me. Turns out she wouldn’t have been able to go with me. So that plan was ruined.

And the other reason I was so upset is that Alison double booked over me. Not just me, my family. No one else seems to be upset about this. I feel betrayed and unconsidered by Alison, like she completely forgot about me. This happens to me all the time and it takes a toll on my emotions. It’s something I’ve struggled with for years—people don’t take things as seriously as I do. When I make plans, I make a big deal out of it and every time (yes, it happens a lot) I get let down, my heart breaks just a little more and my self-esteem falls just a little more.

It’s horrible if you’re me, being someone who cares so much about even the littlest things. I don’t know what to do about it… No one has ever assured me that I’m sane and it’s okay to feel that way. Lots of people beat me up about my intensity and leave me bruised and scarred with no advice, no continuous help, no support. Just leave me there to wither away… so dramatic! I could write some poetry! I’m really not that dramatic, I swear.

And now I’m in a situation that I put myself in. Again, I am third wheeling with Reese and Kim. It’s gross. That’s all I have to say. I warned Kim not to let this happen, and she lets it happen. No more, my friend. I no longer am going to let both of you over at my house at the same time.

I’m really sad again. It’s a good thing Cake Boss is here to cheer me up!

August Is Over

I’m so behind on Glee. I started it a long time ago and it’s taking me really long time to get through the first season. I have a long streak but then it dies out because I run out of time or I forget. I have a horrible memory.

I’m frustrated now because our friend offered us pre-midnight showing tickets of Harry Potter 7 (part 2) for this Wednesday, but suddenly it’s like she never did. And my dad does not understand at all. I hate when he thinks he’s right because I know he’s not but there’s nothing I can say because my dad… is my dad.

So the last two days, I’ve hung out with my bestest buddy, Kim. Yesterday, we did a butt load of dorm shopping for me at Target and Wal-Mart and it was very fun! And then we went out again today back to Wal-Mart for some nail and make-up shopping and then Bed, Bath, & Beyond for a couple of things. I’m getting excited about decorating my new dorm room. And although my mom isn’t going to be there, my friends are picking up the slack that she’s leaving so I’m feeling a little bit better.

I’m also really nervous about moving away. When I think about it, I start thinking that this is it. I’m moving away… And I really shouldn’t come back. I should be getting on my own feet and living on my own. I’m afraid of that step. I have to think about where I want to live… And I have to think about internships that I want—like the one for Ellen DeGeneres. That would mean I’d have to move to Burbank. Ugh… I’m freaked out.

I feel like singing. I feel like playing guitar. I want to write a new song… I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out because good lyrics don’t come out of me very easily. We’ll see what happens I guess.

Tomorrow I’m headed to the Boardwalk with my high school youth group. I’m kind of nervous because I don’t like to be around that group of high school kids. It bugs me how selfish that group is and how giddy and childish they all are. I’m not very excited about that. It will just make me more excited about going away to Fresno.

I have nothing to do the next three or four weeks. Camp is coming up in August. Everything happens in August and then out of nowhere August will be over (We The Kings, August is Over) and I will be starting school and not being around my parents all the time. Oyyggg :P

I Feel Like Dancin'

Finally!

We’re home.

It feels so good to be back in my own room that I don’t have to share with—okay wait… I do have to share my room tonight but it’s with someone I actually like—anyone and everything is all close and warm and mine. It’s nice not to have to listen to people screaming at each other over hair dryers and straighteners. It’s definitely nice to not be around drinkers and partiers. It’s very nice to not be around so many people that I don’t know.

It’s not very nice that I’m not surrounded by cute dogs! It’s not very nice that we’re so far away from my grandpa now. It’s not very nice that I have to do laundry now.

But obviously, there’s so much more nice stuff. It’s wonderful to be home after so long. And it’s wonderful to be in the company of my bestest buddy. She makes me feel important… unlike a lot of other “friends” I have. It’s nice to be loved. We’re going to be doing each others’ nails. I’m sort of excited and not excited about waiting for all of them to dry.

The playlist running in my head right now has a lot of all time low and big time rush. Especially “I Feel Like Dancin’” and “Worldwide” (ATL then BTR). I’m not exactly sure why but I really do feel like dancing and I do feel like I just traveled the world. Haha :P

Emotionally, I’m totally fine right now. I’m not thinking about any of the crap I went through on the trip and I’m not thinking about any of the things people owe me. It’s really not worth thinking about because it just makes me mad and that doesn’t get me or anyone else anywhere. I’m not thinking about moving out—well, now I am, but it’s not bothering me—and I’m not thinking about anything else… There’s nothing else wrong right now.

I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious… haha :P that’s ironic. That’s the name of a song I love :) go look it up (FTSK)

There's Not Much To Say...

Today is the longest day this entire vacation. My cousins left this morning. My dad came into our room—which is like the staging ground for everyone else—at like 7 in the morning and asked us if we wanted to get up and say goodbye.

No. Ha! Absolutely not. I’m tired.

Anyways… I’m not as heartless as I’m leading on. I’m just pissed at all of them.

We’ve been packing since we got back from being out of the house for a long time. We left the house at around noon and we ate at our favorite place… Serious Texas Bar-be-que! Wooot! Then we went to see Transformers 3. Dang! It was so intense. Half the movie was basically non-stop action and fighting. And one of my Hollywood husbands is in that movie: Josh Duhamel. Stinky Fergie.

And we got back around 5 in the evening and now what we’re supposed to be doing is packing. I think I’ve packed as much as I can so I’m good for now.

All of us are kind of upset. Our grandparents have had tons of visitors the entire time we’ve been here and we’re missing out on a huge tradition because their friends are coming over tonight. It’s so disappointing because I feel like I haven’t seen my grandpa all week and all I’ve done is worry about my cousins and sit around.

I’m basically ready to go home. I’m tired of being put off and not appreciated. There’s not much to say otherwise. We’ll be heading out in less than 24 hours back home.

Happy Birthday

It’s been three days.

A very looooooooong three days.

We’ve been camping in a small, Victorian mining town called Silverton, about an hour north of Durango where my grandparents live. Although it was overall a decent trip, my cousins made the trip hardly bearable. I really don’t like my cousins when they’re all together. They like a big group of the kind of people I really hate to be around—drinking, partying, cursing like there’s no tomorrow. It’s horrible.

And they make fun of me. They would call me gullible. I would call me trusting. I have faith that my family isn’t making terrible fun of me and isn’t lying to me. And when the tables are turned and it’s them who believe the sarcasm, no one can say shit about it.

Excuse me.

All but one is underage and two of them, Tanya and CJ drink like there’s no tomorrow. Yesterday was the 4th of July (Happy Independence Day! Happy Birthday, beautiful America) and Tanya started sippin’ some bud light by noon. By the end of the day, I swear she had over twenty cans of beer. Plus! She and CJ (who is underage) played beer pong twice in 24 hours—to the major partiers, that may not seem like a lot but I don’t know the culture and the culture is effing stupid.

Obviously, anyone can tell I’m angry about the situation. At one point, the cousins were all going to go shooting and jeeping in Jeff‘s (the oldest cousin, I think) truck. At first, I didn’t want to go and two other cousins didn’t want to go either… After about ten minutes, we were bored out of our minds and Grandpa kicked us out of the RV. We were given another chance to make a different decision because the others came back because they forgot something. The three of us went with them—they ended up going back to the store again and at that point, I was already getting really annoyed with the language and the attitude of the cousins around me.

Tanya mocked my father and me after he made it clear he did not approve of drinking and shooting. Tanya—oh my Lord, I hope she doesn’t die of a drinking problem—insisted on taking alcohol with them on the trip. She also insisted that she would be fine shooting even though she’d already been drinking long before that hour anyway! My grandpa was no help at the time of the conversation—my dad argued sobriety and my grandpa encouraged drinking and shooting. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t care if our driver drank some.

Goodness—it was horrible. I asked Tanya if she brought any and, unknown to me, she sarcastically replied, “Yeah, we bought a couple bottles of hard vodka and we’re gonna take shots before we shoot.” Surprise, shock, and anger flooded my body and it was clear in my voice, “Are you serious?” Everyone laughed at me and Tanya said, “No…” and a small smirk fell out of her dirty mouth.

I turned to my brothers, who weren’t laughing, and said, “I might leave.” They had sad eyes when I said that, but I was damn determined not to be brought down by my immature family’s lack of compassion and lack of common sense. After two more minutes of f-bombs and teasing and childish, annoying gestures, I got up and got out of the truck. I told Jeff I was leaving because I felt sick—he and Tanya are the same age and he is many years ahead of her in maturity. He understood and made sure I was okay. I made the ten minute walk back to our campsite with my head held high. Erin and Tanya yelled to me and asked why I was leaving—I laughed to myself, thinking, “Are you really that stupid?” I gave them the same lie I told Jeff and kept walking, feeling totally fine.

After I talked to my dad about all my frustrations and anger about the whole situation, he told me that, the way he saw it, I was presented with an opportunity to say no and walk away from a bad situation. And when I think about it, the second chance to go with my cousins shooting was God giving me the chance to say no. It was easy.

Tanya says she loves me so much and she’s so proud of me and then she becomes a huge bitch when she’s around other people. I hate it. I’d rather not be around her.

Turns out I had tons more fun back at the campsite with the friends there. We watched four trains pull into Silverton and even witnessed the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m not going to share it because it would only be funny if you were there. I don’t want to waste space or time.

Seeing the patriotism of the people and all the things going on in town yesterday made me so proud of my country. I am so thankful for all the America has done for me. I wasn’t there when the founding fathers risked everything for all future generations of independent thinkers and strong-minded individuals. It’s because of the men and women that fight for us then and now that I am allowed to even be saying all that I have in the last ten seconds. It’s because of them that I can love my God without persecution and I can be what I want without discrimination.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful America.

On a bit of a darker note—my grandpa has been coughing, my grandma says all week. He’s also had a shortness of breath and she’s worried. Yesterday, after she helped him lay down for a nap, she came outside with a big, alcoholic drink with tears in her eyes and the only thing I really remember her saying was, “I’m not ready.” I thought about those commercials from the American Cancer Society with everyone singing “Happy Birthday” and I can only hope that my grandpa will see that next June.

Happy Birthday, Grandpa.

This is going to be a sad year, guys.

Zero Energy

Today has been such a long day.

For some reason, being here in Durango makes me so tired all the time. It’s always difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning and walk around, get the blood flowing—I have practically zero energy. And since I started drinking soda again, I’m getting even more dehydrated because of the altitude.

Earlier today, it was around 1 o’clock in the afternoon and we had just eaten lunch. My dad, the boys, and I went into town (which takes about 15 minutes just to get to the edge of it) to get my bike checked out. After we figured that out, we stopped at a local, private coffee shop and I got a really sour (which, to me, means gross) lemonade smoothie. And then we started our journey back to the house and I got so incredibly tired. I basically slept on the way home and I told my dad I wanted to go bike riding with him when we got there.

He wanted a few minutes to check his email and get ready, so I went downstairs with my brothers and I closed my eyes for just a few seconds and I was out. I woke up a few times, not really knowing what time it was, got irritated by the boys and went back to sleep. I woke up who knows how much later and I checked my phone and it said 4:00. I wondered why my dad hadn’t woken me up so I planned to get up after a few more second with my eyes closed.

I slept for another 40 minutes and I dreamt that I got up and asked my dad why he hadn’t woken me up. We went on the bike ride and came home. Then I had a weird dream about a dragon… I don’t really remember much of that one.

But when I actually woke up and it was 4:38, I flipped out because I was totally confused about where I was and what was going on. I went upstairs and looked around for people and I couldn’t find anyone. That happens a lot at this house. I found my dad and I asked him why he didn’t wake me up and he said he wanted to let me sleep. I was pooped about that… I felt really bad that I didn’t stay awake to go with him.

Then I started working on this super delicious desert that I’m going to rename something other than what it’s known as: Mormon Delight. And as I start finishing it, a butt load of people show up in the kitchen—okay only 3 extra people showed up, but that meant that 10 people were stuffed into the kitchen at one point and I only knew one of the new people.

After dinner, I was getting anxious to see my cousins who were surprising my grandpa. He had no idea they were coming. The hours keep ticking by and they still weren’t there. It got dark and they still weren’t there. I’d been texting them all day checking in and making sure they were alright…

My grandma told me that she would be putting the four girls (me, Tanya, Erin, and Katie) in the motor home and CJ would be sleeping downstairs with the boys. When they got here, after a while of chatting and reminiscing, I mention that I’m excited to be in the motor home with the girls and all of them turn to each other with wide eyes and surprised expressions…

They had other plans and hadn’t spoken with Grandma. My initial reaction was that they didn’t want me there—and that sent a waterfall of self-conscious thoughts through my head…

They don’t like me. They think I’m annoying. They wish I wasn’t there…

My brain works like that. I don’t really think through what is happening in the moment and then later, somehow, it gets fixed, but those thoughts are still running through my head because it makes me think about all the other times I’ve felt isolated and unwanted. I struggle most with pride and self-esteem and this time, my self-esteem was kicked in the nuts.

Erin later explained to me why they were surprised and while I understood what she said, I also thought about how no one ever does that for me. She was worried that separating Katie and CJ would make them very uncomfortable and it would be our (I thought ‘my’) fault… I wondered if Erin thought about how uncomfortable and awkward they all made me feel when they were surprised of my expectation.

That’s what I get for having expectations.

There was just a lot of miscommunication and I still love my cousins… I’m just a little sad right now about the whole thing. I don’t really want to dwell on it but it’s still bothering me.

Maybe the weekend will bring some fun for all the cousins… I have to work hard not to let Erin and Tanya’s teasing words get to me, as they often do. I’ll get over it. At least my brothers want me :)

Grandpa Said Some Bad Words

We made it safe and sound to Durango, Colorado, and it so far has been awesome. We did our normal thing—we went to Schoolhouse Pizza for dinner and the usual happened… we waited almost 2 hours for our pizzas to be done. For some reason, that seemed to be a bit odd, but whatever… it was great!

So the long journey started in Anaheim yesterday. And since then, the winds have been attacking us left to right, right to left, front to back, back to front… Jeeze!! It was terrible! Driving was a hassle, especially since we had all of our luggage on the top of the van. And today, when we were going through the Navajo Nation, dust was EVERYWHERE…

Everywhere, I tell you.

It was almost like driving through fog, but it was dust and dirt. The wind nearly knocked me over when we stopped for lunch today at Burger King. The funniest thing happened! There was a random donkey in front of the restaurant! Haha! :) And out of nowhere, a huge bus of Italian tourists pulls up and they start yelling and laughing and yelling some more—just the way I like them. Lol :)

I’m proud of our van :) she made it all the way up the mountain. She’s been good to us. And now we’re home sweet home away from home with my grandparents. I was especially excited to see my grandparents because it’s been awhile and I was surprised to find out that we were opening presents tonight. That was really cool because all but two were for me. While we called it celebrating Christmas in July, it was more of a graduation gift—a lot of graduation gifts.

And the best one of all was the one that my grandpa had for me especially from him. Eleven years ago, I spent a long amount of time with my grandparents and we were joined up by what my grandpa calls the child from hell: Samantha. Apparently, on the way home, she was making my grandpa mad and he said something bad. So I wrote him a note that said this:

Our Jurny
Our jurny has been good
But grandpa said some bad words

And I gave him the crumpled up paper that had these words and asked him to throw it away. But he didn’t :P he kept it all these years and he had it framed for me and he gave it to me today. He had tears in his eyes before I even opened it and he made me cry, too. I read it and had to laugh but I couldn’t because I was crying and we were hugging and I was crying… Did I say I was crying?

Anyways, it was emotional and my grandpa kept telling me he can’t wait to see me grow and he can’t wait to see what happens next and he can’t wait to watch me grow up… And the whole time, I was thinking about how he’s really sick and how he probably won’t get to see any of that… And that makes me extra sad… That’s what really made me cry. I would never tell him that, though.

I love you, Grandpa! Very much.

On The Road Again :)

My feet are soooooooo sore. My legs hurt and my feet hurt and everything else hurts—plus I’ve gained a bit of a rash that is in the most horrible place ever! Haha… Let’s just say walking is not fun right now.

We are leaving Disneyland now… Sadface! We spent one day here and covered more than we ever have in three days. We did both parks yesterday and, I swear, we are tired… And we didn’t even wake up that early yesterday. We went to Disneyland at like… 10am and around noon we went to California Adventure and got reeeeeally wet and reeeeeally excited after the river raft ride and California screamin’. We had lunch around 1pm and then we went back to California Adventure for a few hours and then we went swimming at the hotel and then we went to dinner. We went back to California Adventure until 11pm and then the boys, my dad, and I went back to Disneyland to ride Splash Mountain with little or no wait. And we nearly died on the way back to the hotel around 12:30 in the morning.

It was a long day.

But it was totally worth it. We had a ton of fun and we didn’t get upset with each other until around 10pm. And even then, there wasn’t a lot of bickering or anything. It was very fun and very rewarding.

And Ellen never showed up :(

And now we’re on the road again… Heading towards Flagstaff, Arizona. Seems like we won’t get there until 6pm and right now, it’s 10:30am. We got a long drive ahead of us. Goodbye sunny, warm Anaheim and hello hellish Mojave Desert. It’s good thing we aren’t going to Laughlin this time. That place is so horrible… it was 120 degrees at 6 in the morning last time. Nu uh… no more! I reeeeally hope Flagstaff isn’t worse. I hope it’s better.

My brothers should be starting on their summer assignments pretty soon. For that part of the trip, I will be bored because they like it quiet and I don’t. Hopefully it’ll pass by soon and I’ll have something to do.

It feels like we were planning this trip months and months ago and now… BAM! It’s here and by the weekend—which is only two days away, it’ll be half over. Too bad Poop wasn’t here to see it. Sucks for her.

I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do after I’m done writing. Maybe jam on my ukulele :) or maybe read some devotionals. I could listen to music but that’s no fun when I can’t sing along. Looks like we’ve got a long ways to go so we’ll see what happens. I’ve had a long few days so hopefully, when we get to Durango, I’ll have some sleepin’ time :)

We’re coming, Grandpa!

The Happiest Place On Earth

Today has been filled with several naps… Okay, only two. But they were nice naps with rude awakenings. AJ, my brother, kicked me in the face to wake me up when we got to Disneyland and something fell on me so it was no fun. Then I was irritated because I was tired and people were telling me what to do and saying stupid things…

Note to future mate—don’t boss me around when I’m tired. It won’t be pretty.

Haha :P anyway, all is good because I am in Disneyland!!!! <3 maybe Ellen will be here this time. That would be SO cool!! Ellen!!!!! Please be at Disneyland tomorrow!

We got in around 3ish and we left Gilroy at 8:15. I told my dad we could be out of the house by 8am and he said it was impossible. We totally would have been out of the house by 7:45 if he hadn’t taken so long with his stuff—now we all know who the real beauty queen is in this family. The drive up until lunch was fine except for a lot of stupid drivers and this one mini van that kept getting in my way. I wanted to be going 75mph and apparently, so did they but they kept changing their speed several times and I’d have to take cruise control off and then turn it on and then turn it off… Ugh! The limit was 70mph so don’t freak out. Lol :P

Our room has a “premium view” of downtown Disney but to be honest, all I see is the side of the AMC theatre and the back of the ESPN zone. I can see a few big rides in the distance but it’s not that impressive. I don’t really know what the point of wanting a view is. It’s cool and all, I guess. This view isn’t worth the extra dollars, though.

We really should be in our villa at the Grand Californian Hotel and Spa ® lol… we are DVC members so whenever we come here, we get first pick of nice rooms with kitchens and bedrooms and laundry rooms. SO cool!!! :) but my dad waited too long to book rooms so we are in the Disneyland Hotel.

We’ll be going out to dinner tonight somewhere in the hotel and then we’ll probably see either Super 8 or Cars 2. The boys and my mom have already seen Super 8 and while I do want to see it, I reeeeeeeeallly want to see Cars 2. Joey thinks I’m an idiot for wanting Cars 2 and not Super 8. Well, I think he’s immature if he thinks his opinion is the only right one. One day he’ll learn to be nice to me.

Tomorrow is the day we spend in the park. I’m actually excited. I was here a few weeks ago for Disney Grad Nite and I didn’t really enjoy it. All the good stuff was closed and they treated all the students like animals… herding them in directions and patting us down every five minutes. It was terrible getting into the park and it was terrible when my friends (remember Poop and Poopie? One of them was there) decided to ditch me and a couple of other people. But I think it would have been worse if we stayed with the party poopers.

So I’m excited for some redemption! Disneyland is a lot more fun when you can enjoy it like a normal person and you aren’t dead tired at three o’clock in the morning when it’s about 60 degrees. I’m ready for Splash Mountain and Matterhorn and California Screamin’ woooo!!! <3

And then on Wednesday, we start the journey to Colorado. We’ll be stopping in Flagstaff, AR. I don’t think I’ve been there before—I mean, we pass through it every year but this year, it’s our half way marker. Should be fun.

For now, I’m going to chill in the nice, Air-conditioned room where it’s quiet and I could probably take another nap—without a rude awakening :P it would be lame to be in such a bad mood at the happiest place on earth :P

A Thousand More

So I’ve been playing around on myYearbook again. It’s kind of silly, I think. It’s unpredictable and not very secure. But I’m enjoying it because people are actually talking to me. Shocker! Just kidding.

Tomorrow, we leave for Colorado. Well, actually, we leave for Anaheim. We’ll be spending two nights in Anaheim and one day in Disneyland!!! <3 so excited! And then, we’ll be heading to Colorado.

This trip is going to be very hard. My grandpa has been sick for awhile now—in and out of treatments, diagnosed and then cured, diagnosed and then cured… it’s a recurring process. And it’s all led up to this: brain cancer. And my mom is not taking it well as it is. We do this Colorado trip every year and it’s always sad to leave but this time it’s going to be heart-breaking. We were told he may only have six to nine months to live. My grandpa is super stubborn and I know that people have beaten those kinds of odds before so right now, I’m not as worried about him as I am about my mom. She’s not in a good place with this. She will have a thousand more moments with him before he’s done here.

Anyways, I’m planning on writing some songs while I’m gone. Where they live, the scenery is just so amazing—it makes me so thankful for such a creative God. But it’ll be an inspiring time for me to write something. I need to really work on my songwriting skills. I want to be like Mayday Parade and Go Radio… Their lyrics are so amazing! You should check them out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZaK37dheCM (Jamie All Over—Mayday Parade)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wg7d-Tb1MJk (Goodnight Moon—Go Radio)

In fact! I’ve already been inspired. I was watching something… Or maybe I was reading something, but I already have a new song to work with. I’ve written the words and now I’m working on the guitar part. I’ve got a couple people helping me out. I’ll post the lyrics at the end of today’s entry.

I’ve been packing since I got home from church this morning. It’s taking longer than usual. It usually only takes me an hour at the most, I just don’t know what to bring. There isn’t much of a plan once we get there. I hope we do some stuff—my mom is convinced my grandpa isn’t going to want to do anything, but I would argue that he’d want to do as much as possible so that we don’t see him so weak.

Anyways… I don’t have as much to say today… So here’s the new song:

A Thousand More
One song, all I have to give but I swear a thousand more are at my fingertips
This thing we’ve got going on could last so long
We’d have to die a thousand times before anyone could say we were so young
We never learned to love

One thought, there isn’t much time but I swear a thousand more thoughts are running through my mind
You’d tell me all the things you’ve seen
We’d have to write a thousand stories before someone could say we were so young
We never learned how to love

One day, all we have right now but I swear
A thousand more to come when we know just what we want
And hear you me, I promise this
You’ll have my heart just the way you left it
And I’ll sing you every song I write
Every thought spilled on paper, a thousand more songs to keep us alive
We’ll sing so loud, they’ll say we’re so young
We never wanted anyone other than us

One song, one thought, one day—that’s all it’s gonna take
Because I just know that it’s you I want
They could give me a thousand more and none would be the same
None quite like you

Mysteries Unsolved

We went to the beach the other day and it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I love the beach very much. It’s the perfect place for jamming with friends and ukuleles. Because I love the beach, the earlier I can go the better and none of my friends want to get there as early as I do. However, they didn’t have a choice the other day because I was their ride.

Kim, my bestest buddy, couldn’t go so I was a little disappointed about that. But I figured things would be fine. I was already not really talking to two of the people that were in my car. They didn’t know it of course :P I’m cool like that… I don’t tell the people I’m mad at that I’m mad at them.

Anyway, so seeing them after two weeks didn’t make anything better. I tried so hard to not let my feelings of resentment show. I did a great job—I always do. Either I’m really good at acting or they are horrible observers. During the day, they did their normal thing. For now, I’m just going to call them Poop and Poopie :P

Poop is fun. Anyways…

Poop and Poopie are two peas in a pod. They are exactly alike in so many way which makes me wonder why they get along so well. Both of them are always taking advantage of me. They let me buy them things and they tell me they’re going to pay me back and they don’t… Honestly, I don’t want them to pay me back. What I want is for them to want to spend time with me. I guess you could say I feel like I have to buy people’s friendship.

It’s like this other relationship I thought I had. In any situation, I always feel like I have to work for people’s attention. I always have to initiate things. And if what I say isn’t interesting enough, no response will come. He’ll only answer me if it’s a question I need answered. I can’t just text him “hey” and be able to have a normal, friendly conversation. He has to give me ten billion hints that he’s not the least bit interested in me.

He thinks I want him so baaaadly but the truth is, I don’t. I’ll be honest—I did really like him, but I never wanted to start anything because I’ve had enough failing attempts to make romantic connections. If anything is meant to be between him and me, he’s gotta start it. I get that I’m not the most attractive person in the world. I’m not skinny—I don’t have a perfect complexion—I don’t know how to not say things randomly when I’m nervous—I don’t flirt—I don’t know how to talk basically when I’m in the midst of people that make me nervous.

This guy was so amazing. He was older than me <3 and he was tall, strong, big blue eyes and brown hair (just like Zac Efron!!!!!), and he held the same beliefs that I do. He loves Jesus and does his best to embody all that Jesus was and is. It’s inspiring.

He took me to my prom—I asked him since he was a couple years older than me and I was a senior in high school. Well, I guess that set him off. The first thing he said after he said yes was, “I just want to go as friends, okay?” He said it as if I were a child he was warning not to get attached to any toys in the toy store because daddy was not buying any. He thought it would be necessary to tell me that more than once in the next couple months and I thought I had done nothing to reveal myself.

Apparently not.

Bottom line—I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to be near him. I don’t want tot talk about him. I don’t want to be involved with him whatsoever because it hurts me. And I want him to get the point that I never wanted to do anything about it.

Now, we aren’t even friends on facebook—oooooo damn! That’s serious :P haha.

In more recent terms… I fought with my mom again. I can’t help it. She just doesn’t understand. I don’t intend to be mean. I intend to get my point across because she never hears me out. Everything is about her and how she feels. If she is upset, so is everyone else. If she’s not upset, everyone else is and then she gets upset and then everyone else is even more upset. I can’t catch a break with her.

Well, now that I’ve had tons of fun at my friend Aly’s house, I don’t really care about what happened with my mom. Me, Aly, and Kim have been watching movies all night but I fell asleep quickly after we started our fifth movie at midnight. Too much junk food, I say! That’s what happens at Aly’s house.

Now we’re watching Sherlock Holmes. I gotta go :P

Friends Let Friends Swim In Their Pools :)

Today was another one of those days where you think you have it all figured out and then you realize that you miscalculated something. I’ve done this a lot in the past and it gets on my nerves every time because I think I’ve learned my lesson. And each time that it happens again… Grrf!

I’ve always been the odd one out. I’m the one that doesn’t really like to play the party games like twister or catch phrase. I’m the one that doesn’t like some certain show. I’m the one that doesn’t like Harry Potter very much… I’m the one that does like Ellen Hopkins… I just don’t fit in.

I’m also always the one without a boyfriend—now, I don’t mind not having a boyfriend. I’m fine the way I am and when the right guy comes along, I’ll consider him if his offer is convincing ;) anyways… in my group of friends, there are an odd number of people. And somehow, I end up being that odd one out that end sup being the third or fifth or seventh wheel…

It first happened in ninth grade four years ago. I was with two of my girlfriends and they invited their boyfriends over to the house we were staying at. The guys wanted to get in the hot tub and the self-conscious person that I am didn’t want to put a bathing suit on and get wet. So the four of them got in the hot tub—mind you, it was like, ten at night. They cuddled and chatted and I sat on the edge, just observing. It was pretty lame… for me.

Over the last four years, there were situations of the same context but I got over them pretty quickly after learning the pattern. So today, I had planned to visit the same friend’s house and go swimming and I invited another girlfriend. Without thinking about it, I invited another friend who happened to be one of their boyfriends and I didn’t even think about what I was doing…

So both of them had their boyfriends all up in their faces today and yet again, I was the third wheel. And this time, it was completely my fault because I’m the one who invited the boys. So I have no room for any pity or sympathy because it’s my fault. I own it.

Now I’m over it. Swimming was nice—it’s been hot for the last few days here in Gilroy. Almost unbearable. But that’s what friends’ pools are for and that’s what slurpees at 7-11 are for :D I am thankful for so much—especially my friends’ pools. And slurpees. But right now, I’m thankful for my friend Kim. Even though she gets on my nerves. <3

I’m so tired of not having anything to do so I’m going to find something to do. Our Colorado trip is coming up. It’s going to be a sad one because, according to the doctors, this is going to be the last one. My grandpa has been sick a lot the last few years. In the last few months, we though he was all clear but it turns out everything that has happened in the last few years has been leading up to this:

Terminal brain cancer.

He’s going to die sometime in the next year, they say. My mom is taking it pretty hard and it makes me sad to see her so sad. Please pray for her <3

Strong As I Am...

I know a lot of people. I know enough people for everyone to have at least one friend. If all these people were to say they knew me, I would have to say that they were wrong.

Not very many people know me. I don’t even think my parents really know me. If you were one of those people I know, you would know that I am always the initiator. I am always the organizer. I am always the mother. I am always the obsessive, perfection-seeking friend that no one really, really knows. There are so very few people that know me.

Most of the people I know don’t listen to me. Even in casual conversation, I’m telling a story and I can tell the other person has already tuned me out. I can tell when what I’m saying starts to get so laaaaaaaame and it’s obvious when the other person isn’t even looking at you…

When I was in elementary school, I was the class crybaby. I cried about everything! Someone once said, “Crap.” I said that that was a bad word and he told me it wasn’t and I started crying… That’s how bad it was. I was so sensitive.

Some years go by and my emotions are tested over and over again until I start to gain control over my tears. And high school comes around and I’m as strong as I could be. I just graduated from high school with my diploma, well over the required 300 units, and 60 fully transferrable units from college—which means I have an AA degree.

And I still cry myself to sleep way too often. It’s hard to explain because no one will listen to the whole story. I don’t want someone to tell me why I’m wrong. I never stick up for myself because people are always telling me I’m wrong. I have no foundation. I blame myself for that.

For the record, I am not an immature teenager crying out for attention in dramatic ways. I don’t threaten my life with self-injury or suicidal thoughts to get all eyes on me. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t party. I’m not stuck up and I’m not selfish. So if anyone is reading this and thinking—great, not another teenager that thinks she’s the center of the universe…

I am not that kind of teenager. I am way more mature than many adults even hope to be. I am probably too mature for my own good. I’ve gone through so much and I’ve dealt with it all on my own and it’s made me as strong as my strongest moments are. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re listening.

I may be strong but I am still a human being and I am vulnerable. I give my heart to so many causes, so many people, so many things… And my heart gets broken. Time and time again, I let myself down when I expect good things from people. They tell me it’s all okay and the next minute I see that everything is speeding downhill and the brakes are broken. My friends lie to me. My friends exclude me. My friends don’t give back to me what I have so willingly given to them. For once, will someone please… please, just once, show me the same love and compassion that I have shown them?

I don’t want anyone’s money. I don’t want anyone’s food. I don’t want anyone’s gifts. I want someone’s time. I want someone’s love. I want someone’s attention for just a few minutes so that I can be reassured by someone other than myself (and my mom) that I am worth their time. I need this. I don’t want to ask for it—I’m too afraid of rejection. So someone needs to take the hint and make a move because I am completely lost right now.

My God is my Light and I believe that He loves me the way that I need it. As a teenager though, mature and strong as I am, it’s hard to feel that and sometimes, God uses other people to demonstrate His love. Will someone do that for me? Someone should ask me to go somewhere with them… Just me and them for the day because they are interested in spending time with me.

It’s late. I’m sad and I’m tired. Goodnight.